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[personal profile] atma posting in [community profile] heroicrecords
Wordcount: 36551/50000

Drugs/Substances Ingested: Weed - Rainbow - Homegrown, 10mg Hydrocodone
Effects: Like shifting gears

Milestone achieved: more than 50 pages written in the same document

Back over in the wonderful state of California, home of the most amazing sunsets this side of the Pacific, back over yonder north in Wine Country, home of yours truly, and it should be fucking honored to do so and have hosted my DNA and my genes and created the whirlwind force that was me and the one propelling this story slowly to its climax, because we aren't getting any younger around here, and if my records are any indication, neither are you, so let's get on with this before we get old and turn crotchety and are unable to do things like haul ass across multiple states and countries in only days' time, because before you know it, this story will end, and we won't have another chance to set this up, because all things must come full circle, and we have some surprises yet for you.

So sit back and know ye well the tale of Hikage and Koshka, the brave women whom the now dubbed Lady Sanchez and I loved so dearly, who were probably doing lines of coke off of Homura while she napped on the job over at the melon ranch, earning tips from customers they would threaten with their multitude of knives, who had to fend off the homestead from one pair of obnoxious neighbors, known to us as The Thunder Cunt and Dogface, or more well known as Ryobi and Ryona. Ryobi for being, well, a thunder cunt, and Ryona for begging and prancing around like a bitch all the damn time. At least in this story, that was far the lesser of two evils, because even I ain't gonna complain about her keeping her tits out on the balcony all the damn time. A free show is a free show and if you live by the philosophy of life we have outlined, you take what you can get where you can get it.

That's what life is all about anyways, is seizing it by the tits, grinning, making a honking or a tooting noise, and absconding into the night cackling like the deviant piece of the gods' great work that you know you are. And when tits reached out to you, you didn't say no to that either, because why the fuck would you you picky and pretentious asshole? Go back to Marin and not vaccinate a child, or something else counterproductive to the flow of humanity.

So while we were in my hometown discussing life, Ryobi was continuing to make life a living hell for our other set of heroines, or at least making what she deemed to be a valiant effort to. She was childish and relentless in her assault, snorting as she loaded up an airsoft gun and took aim at their door and windows, leaving little plink marks everywhere and making horrible noises and thumps against their side of the building at four o clock in the fucking morning, which is usually when they were waking up and setting up their usual lines to snort and lick clean off their cocaine knives, brewing coffee and living on a diet of whatever the fuck was cheap and locally made, since neither of them were the biggest on cooking and why would you be when you live that close to so many neat little cafes and markets that can just do it for you?

That one ended after she managed to snag the bag of an immense and wonderful amount of potato based products from one of the local lunch spots that Hikage was bringing home to constitute their dinner (at Koshka's request, as they at least agreed that the potato was the undisputed king of foodstuffs, as it constituted fries and vodka, two of mankind's greatest inventions as far as they were concerned, and other veggies really need to get their shit together, but they weren't quite sure how you'd distill stuff from a tomato, nor were they sure they'd ever want to down a shot of whatever horrible fermented brew a brussels sprout would produce, get it, produce) and off went the golden bounty on to the ground as Ryobi's bullet tore through it and dumped it all over the poor neighboring woman's feet.

This would not stand. Hikage just stood there, mildly annoyed at most, which was the most she had been able to emote clearly in days, mumbling a few choice fucks to herself as she took a knife out of her cleavage and tossed it clean shot into the barrel of Ryobi's toy gun, destroying it and watching it peel back and thwap the offender in the face with shards of her own weapon. What a piece of shit. Ryobi fell down, so Hikage took her wallet and used the money inside to replace her dinner. She figured if she wanted to eat, she could always come clean up the mess she had just made in front of their apartments. Dinner was late that day but it was ever so satisfying more so than its usual sodium laced goodness to consume.

As a revenge, Koshka was able to hotwire some of the awful security equipment that Ryobi had pointing at her door in her usual paranoid style and was able to get it to play the most offensive music she could come up with, which as far as what Hikage and the internet and those that could hear could tell her, was the local country station. Nothing annoys more than unironic love of John Deere everything sang by a guy who has a few too many liters of whiskey downed in him already that morning, scraping his throat into a horrible warbling as he tried to rhyme Deere with deer, because they were that goddamn unoriginal.

The machine would feed back into the video and audio stream Ryobi had inside of whatever the camera was pointed at and took it over, making it play that incessant warbling about the good old days, wrestling pigs in the mud, and brewing moonshine in equipment unfit to host anything for human consumption. Koshka at least thought she would appreciate the apparently weirdly incestual themes of some of these songs, but the humor was lost on Ryobi, and she tore the camera out in a fit of rage one day and threw it into the street, mumbling about how many she can get some damn rest now.

Ryona was just amused in this time, and didn't find the music to be that bad, but when you're permanently lost in a mental realm of colors and shapes and noises, that had to at least sound more welcoming and familiar thematically to her than whatever horrible clip of ten hours of video game remix sung by cats and filtered through dubstep's left nut that sometimes aggravated those on the kind of drugs the Dogface preferred. She said goodbye to the poor camera and noted its sacrifice was not to be in vain, and immediately went back to zoning out, praying for its poor technological soul. RIP in peace, shitty camera, you are not to be missed, especially since we were all pretty fucking certain you were actually just using it to peek down the shirts of whomever came by, because you're horrible at life and want to just sneak through it.

Across the street from them, in a tiny little house with a pocket fence, was the local notable affluent lesbian couple, Miyabi and Imu. They were old friends and classmates of Ryobi and Ryona's and they moved in when they wanted to get out of the limelight of being famous boxers by living in the nice remoteness of Wine Country, as it was usually pretty quiet outside of whatever shit Ryobi was up to. One day, they invited Koshka and Hikage over for dinner, as they were wont to do now and again to treat them to something not quite as thoroughly laced in trans fats and salts as their usual diet was, and while they didn't do drugs much and instead opted for downing shots of locally brewed spirits, they just cared you didn't spill it on the carpet. Free food is free food, as free tits is free tits, so why not take them up on it, it's not like they had much else they could do until they heard from me and Kat about our situation.

Ryobi had about enough of this and got her paintball gun out and began to pelt them from across the street, ruining a nice paint job. They had just gotten the trim done, too, when this happened, and Miyabi will have her revenge, as old classmates or not, they weren't ever really that horribly fond of each other, and the Thunder Cunt would wake up the next morning to find a sword had been lodged firmly through her collection of shitty pink lawn flamingos. They didn't touch Ryona's, which all had nice hats on, since she claimed an innocence and was just in it to watch the pretty colors. As crappy as it was she didn't stop her sister, she also didn't encourage it nor knew what it was for, so it was decided her and her hat flamingo army would be spared. A note was attached to the hilt.

“Eat Shit”

Some things just work and that phrase was one of them, so Miyabi and Imu promised to back Hikage and Koshka financially and fund them with whatever they would want to help get back at them. They appreciated the offer, but they preferred to do things in their own style, and they knew what to go for next.

In true asshole fashion, Ryobi had one of those obnoxious, huge, yellow “Don't Tread On Me” flags hanging from the side of her apartment, and in the midst of the night as they heard Ryobi distracted and swearing at some asinine bullshit on TV, because that bitch is clearly faking it and the whole neighborhood had to know all about it, they scaled her fence and took the flag, replacing it with a nice hammer and sickle and painting the phrase “Communism Rulez” in bright red ink on the side of her paneling. They then took photos and waited, fueled by caffeine and cocaine, for her to wake up and wonder why those two fucking morons were outside her house and how dare they look with their disgusting and drug addled eyes. Why she ought to put one right between those eyes and just end this, but it'd violate the terms of her probation, so she couldn't wait until she was done with the terms of it and could go back to living on her terms and escaping this horrible area and back more towards the rural life of the midwest, where one can fuck your sister and get applauded for it as you sip lemonade on the porch in the middle of August. Also it would be more legal to shoot your neighbors, and that's what she was going after to begin with her.

She noticed.

She exploded in a ball of fury.

Ryobi got the hose and immediately began to undo the damage she did, swearing she will get her revenge someday. “Fucking fuck, you two happy coke snorting fucks, I ought to call you in, if the cops would ever fucking believe me around here, but nooooo, you have to go and play goodie around them and only them so you get off with nothing but a reminder to ignore my face because they all fucking hate me because this goddamn fucking awful state hates me and my guns. I'm going to vote against your favorites in the next fucking election, you communism fucking pieces of democracy riddled sluts! When the revolution comes, it's your heads against the walls first!”

“Viva la revolution!” Hikage said as they laughed all the way back inside, deciding to check on the news to see if Atma and Kat had managed to anger the noted warlords some more. Much to their amusement, they had managed to rack up charges relating to impersonating Mexican politicians' relatives, sneaking across the border under false assumptions, and driving a fucking war vehicle through the streets brazenly, though they did fairly note they had not opened fire and were not seen as an aggressive force yet. They would, however, be calling in the military, and they could expect the fighter planes of Neo Brazil to be on them shortly. Hikage and Koshka gave each other a small fistbump and agreed that their girls knew how to get shit done and knew it'd only be a matter of time before the chase was on and they would be racing down to Neo Brazil.

It was then that they said the Cyborg King themselves would be giving a special announcement, and while Koshka could only see the subs running in closed caption across the screen, and while half of the King's face was obscured, she knew immediately who that was. She had a suspicion and a hunch and an intuition as to who it was based on tactics in a similar incident years ago involving her and Atma and a different gang of ragtag misfits, but when she saw that hat, that gait, that reconstructed face, she just let out a sigh and noted Hikage to get her ass over here and get the phone number of that hilarious phone that Kat and Atma had installed before they left, writing down a message to give them.

Hikage scanned the note, raising an eyebrow, making a mental note to ask what the fuck this drama was all about, since that seemed a tad harsh of a punishment just for dumping her. Things were about to get infinitely more interesting for them all. She dialed, and as luck would have it, Kat was able to answer as I was busy loading and giving Ayame a hard time about being a hot senorita and how she should give me a tip like we gave the waitress earlier the business end of our tips as we bent her over that bar and took photos of ourselves mid act. We only wish they were here. My narrative form slowly changed back to my perspective as Kat relayed the message to me and looked only a tad concerned.

“It was the girls. Apparently, Koshka recognizes the Cyborg King. Apparently they gave some speech at the UN about us, trying to urge other countries to edge in on us, and she said it's her ex, the same one you both thought you had killed in Belarus in an incident a few years prior. Now, I'm not about to pry into your personal lives, but what the fresh fuck is this? Woman holds a fucking grudge. What'd Koshka fucking do to her anyways to earn such ire?” Kat adjusted her sunglasses and hopped in The Red Menace, as I finished reloading The Pussy Wagon and began to laugh.

“Something told me even though we saw her explode back then, she'd be back. A woman scorned, and all, I suppose.” At least I had a clearer picture of what we'd be up against. This woman was a ruthless piece of shit, and she was hot, which I can see why Koshka went for her in the first place, but to hear she had somehow reformed and began this massive operation against us was not at all surprising. Disappointing, yes, but not in the least bit surprising.

We began to drive off, turning on the local radio and managing to find one in English long enough to give us the new hot load on ourselves, hearing the threats about incoming planes and reaching under the seats as we began to pick up speed, unlocking a box and tossing what was in it back towards Ayame. We would need her right now, and I nodded to Kat as she flipped a switch and got the machine gun installed on The Red Menace to swivel into anti-aircraft position.

Just in case of emergencies like this, it paid to be prepared, and we always kept a rocket launcher under the seats, and it was Ayame's time to learn how to become an expert marksman. The shotgun lessons would have to wait, but any normal or non normal person would agree that this was probably a lot more fucking awesome to learn how to use first, emergency or not, anyone who gets to use a rocket to take out an illegal and oppressive fascist state out of the sky is going to be having a really fun time. Or if you aren't, then why the hell are you still reading this? You are clearly no longer my intended audience. Begone with you and your boring ass.

She just nodded and took it, standing up on the back seat and imitating us from the chase in San Francisco, holding steady. That ninja magic that her and Kat did was excellent for keeping your tits in place when you needed to stabilize and stand your ground. Or in this case, our airspace. Her skirt and billowing top roared and flapped in the wind as she scanned the air and alerted us when she saw something slowly descending on us from the distance.

It was time to haul ass.

I nodded to Kat again and gave her a thumbs up and pointed south. It was time to unleash the first of our secret weapons.

All hail the turbines we had Koshka install on both vehicles so long ago, the massive muscle engines, and the rocket fuel laced smoke we were about to blow up their ass. We slammed down on a set of massive red buttons that were hidden in the ashtrays and watched as the hydraulics shifted and gave us both a new set of wheels and exhaust pipes and all that kind of fancy shit. At once, we went from fast, to faster, to really fucking fast, and we would soon be able to cruise through the states of Mexico and down to South America at record speed.

It paid to be cool.

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