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The sun had began to set alongside the banks of the Russian River. The sky went from blue to yellow to orange, then finally red and purple and black. Stars came out as the colors grew in darker hue, not a cloud in the sky to block the view of any of them. The only light was formed of a small campfire near the water’s edge on a sandy bank, surrounded by greens and trees of massive height on every side. The waters moved cool and slow, a fish occasionally showing itself as it nipped at the gnats coming in from the day’s heat. A small tent, two sleeping bags, a matching set of fishing poles and gear, and the day’s clothes and swimsuits hung to dry nearby. Around it sat three women, two more close to each other in every definition of it, and the other, a younger lady sitting and checking a backpack of supplies.

“Where do you see yourself, Kat?” asked Atma, the oldest of the women, prodding the fire with a stick, her eyes reflecting a haze made from both the fires below and the certain semi-legal substances now flowing through her bloodstream. She was a strong, short brunette, but not as endowed as her friend she asked this question to, but she could take her in any fight, be it in the battlefield or the bedroom. Her trusty katana, Hoshigiri, the “Star Slayer”, lay near her in the sand, just in case she needed it.

“I see myself laying in the sand next to you and stargazing.” Kat replied, a bit too literal, tongue stuck out as if deep in thought, or at least deep in something, making circular motions towards the heavens with her fingertips. She was taller and more endowed than her stoned friend, and unlike Atma and her love of swords, would only ever call her own body a weapon, but hey lady could you hold it against her? Thanks. “If you look hard enough, that pair of stars up there looks like a pair of tits.”

“That’s what you said about the last sixty nine pairs of stars you’ve seen.”

“Heehee, that’s the sex number.”

“I know.” Atma sighed. “Anyways, you know that’s not what I meant. I mean, like, where do you see yourself in the next few years?”

“Hitting on busty co-eds at the party colleges here in the San Francisco area, hopefully. And by hitting I mean gentle, soft, loving touches. On their titties.” Kat sneered wide, as if her face knew any other expression or emotion ever.

“I can’t take you anywhere, woman.”

“You’re one to talk, Atma. You and your drugs and your enacting a law so you could open carry a goddamn sword like some kind of sword nerd.”

“Hoshigiri is a nice woman, you be kind to her.”

A scabbard joke passed through Katsuragi’s head, but she knew better than to start a fight here. She did, however, pop up, curious and pointing to the third woman and her backpack. “Well, I think now would be a splendid time to pry open that special package we had Hikage procure for us, speaking of your current state of mind and all.”

“Package? Do you mean the fun stuff or the other fun stuff?”

“Shit, I thought I had hormonal issues. I mean the drugs, we can fiddle around with the other “package” she wants us to experiment with later.” Kat waggled her eyebrows, but she knew first things were first.

“If we survive whatever the hell it is your girlfriend wants us to ingest.”

“Too bad she’s not here to tape it. Next time, remind us to pack a phone for Ayame to record us with. It’ll be a cherished memory.”

Atma cocked an eyebrow in Katsuragi’s general direction, the only time either of them would cock anything at each other. Her bemusement gave way to her own wide sneer.

“Oh, Kat, you’d like that very much now, wouldn’t you?”

“Again, Atma, you’re one to talk.”

The swordswoman just stuck her tongue out, heading over to the third woman, the aforementioned Ayame, and opening the backpack she had with her. She had been sitting a bit away from these two women, although she admired them more than any other person on the planet and wanted nothing more than to inherit both their wills, she knew better than to get between them and their hedonistic ways. She just sighed adoringly, at how free and honest her masters were. She was a lady slightly younger than Katsuragi, and had fashioned herself to look like a combination of Katsuragi and Atma. She had been there for them when they helped save Neo Brazil from Cyborg King Nadezhda and her Nazi army and now roamed around California with them learning everything she could from them.

“Hey Ayame, be a dear and help me find the special package. And I trust you to keep an eye on us and make sure we don’t make too big of fools of ourselves. Well, not more so than usual.” Atma flashed a disarming grin at the young ninja, making her swoon easily.

“O-Of course!” Ayame said, digging into the bag with great enthusiasm and giving them the special package. Atma tossed it up and down in her hand a couple times before throwing it up high and cutting it open coolly with Hoshigiri. Inside was plant matter and a note attached to it, explaining that this was pure peyote, wondering if Hikage had gotten it from one of her friends and coworkers of sorts, a ninja named Haruka, who was known to experiment a bit hard herself and get others to enjoy her libations alongside her. The instructions said to make it into a tea and drink it and then enjoy the ride.

“You two could use a break. Koshka and I will be fine until you get back from your trip. Don’t kill yourselves.” Was all else the note said. Koshka and Hikage were the dear darling sweethearts of Atma and Katsuragi, even if they all were kind of devolving into a poly cuddle and fuck pile as each day went by. Not that any of them complained. Sometimes, Ayame could come too, if you got her drift.

Katsuragi and Atma did as were told to do and brewed it up, clinking glasses together.

“Bottoms’ up, Kat.”

“No. Tits’ up. Bottom’s down.”

The two laughed as they chugged it down, waiting for it to take effect as they go back to drawing lurid visions in the stars in the sky above them, creating equally lewd tales to go with them. Some about women they wish they knew, some about those in the past, some about some paladin named Siofra that Atma had made up and Katsuragi declared herself the number one fan of. The scene went from normal to one of immense colors and shapes and distortions, but in the fun way, and not the ‘Mom, stop the ride or I’m going to puke all over Disneyland’ way.

Time passed and the two wandered around the area, it now transformed into a glorious landscape born of a resin soaked apocalypse. They would find destiny here, or at least a kickass legendary sword. They’ve played a few JRPGs in their day to know these kinds of distorted lands always have the coolest equipment just laying around.

“Okay, so I know the golden beaver told us if we wanted to cleanse our souls and meet the matriarch, we have to take a left at the babbling brook.” Kat recalled. A small inlet of water nearby, pooled off from the main river, appeared to be babbling actual nonsense at them.

“I still think you were just talking out of your vagina somehow and think you’re just being clever with that name.” Atma huffed.

“Like calling yours The Great Redwood Forest Spirit was any better? When was the last time you trimmed, anyways?”

“Oh fuck you, you know that one was real. You heard her. You wouldn’t have known where to find your precious beaver without mine yelling at it.”

“Look, if I took directions from every talking vagina that lead me to another vagina, I would….”

Atma interrupted her pussy-confused friend. “...Be entirely the same as you are now?”

“Okay, fine, you get your point for the holy quest we’re on.” A sound dins from the left, one only they can hear, Ayame watching in confusion nearby as she makes sure the two don’t up and drown during this, wondering just what the hell it is they’re seeing. She’s not even sure she wants to know. “Ahh, it’s the brook, Atma! She speaketh! Let me drink deep of your crevices, oh wise river maiden, giver of life!”

“Oh, by Amaterasu’s tits, she’s eating the fucking river out. I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“Wait, whoa, the sun goddess is here, too? And she’s gonna show us her tits? This shit Hikage got us is fucking awesome!” Katsuragi then proceeded to shove her face tongue-first into the brook and babbled back at it. “Ahh, the matriarch is apparently a cougar just up the hill here. If we talk to her, all will be revealed.”

“I hope more than that will be revealed. I haven’t banged a cougar since I started fucking Koshka.”

“You did that last night. Before the trip. In my bed. And you didn’t even clean up after. Asshole.”

“Only because Ayame was using mine to try to beat the Greendale Community College’s record for building a fucking pillow fort. Remind me to let her watch less TV.” Atma began to swirl her own hands in front of her face, colors dancing blue and orange in swirls in front of her eyes. “Uh, you think she’s okay? Can she even like, see us in this dimension?”

“She’ll find us if we get in trouble. That girl’s got a girl boner for both of us the size of how amazingly untrimmed your pubes are. It’ll point her here. I like to call this “Tit-Sense.””

Atma snorted in disbelief. “I bet you call it a lot of things. Also big talk coming from someone who shaved a boob shape in her hairs.”

“It’s so girls can find the clitoris. They don’t teach that in ninja sex-ed.” Kat sighed, showing a rare emotion of disappointment. “I had to learn all about it from Playboy.”

“This explains so fucking much.” Atma laughed. “But still, you mean she’ll find you. She likes me and all, I am your sexiest accessory, but it’s your snatch that Ayame wants to snatch up.”

“Don’t remind me.”

The two continued to babble on as the brook did about their recent sexual escapades, as if they were having a metaphorical dick measuring contest, trying to prove who was the real California Redwood between the two. They began to climb the hillside to the Cougar’s Keep, stopping halfway up to listen to the wise birds of the area tell them to strip and decorate each others’ flesh in the juice of the berries growing here, as an offering for the Cougar Matriarch, the markings resembling their inner warrior’s spirits. It would be the only way the Matriarch would recognize them as true braves. The birds worked in tandem with the bees, as it were, and implied heavily by teaming up that they would have to engage in, ahem, certain sport before the Matriarch and lick each other clean to prove their utmost worthiness. If this were true, they ought to go on spirit trips more often.

And so they made it up the side of the hill before the Matriarch’s den, doing as commanded and heavily making out in a sloppy, vitamin-c fortified state of delerium, all the colors running off their bodies as they get ready to go downtown when the Matriarch appeared, voice booming but somehow familiar to the two bedroom braves.

“AHA! So there you two are! I’ve been looking all over for you! Do you know how long I’ve waited for you braves to appear before me?” the Cougar Matriarch bellowed before them.

“HOLY SHIT, A TALKING CAT!” Katsuragi squeaked, reaching her hand out to pet the Cougar Matriach. “Wow, you’re so soft. And your fur is such an interesting shade of ebony. Wait, don’t cougars usually have golden fur?”

“Are you going to start talking about your beaver again, Kat?”

The Cougar cleared her throat and bellowed once more. “Atma...Katsuragi...It’s time for you two to WAKE UP!”

An immense, roaring waterfall of about ten million colors danced and rained down on the two, soaking and completely enveloping them in its warmth. The last thing they saw as they swam up was the sky reflecting darkness, then thick swirls of blue and orange and finally settling on the golden white of dawn.

Ayame was there, tapping her foot and holding a bucket, looking as surly as she could bring herself to care to. Life and reality returned to normal as the shock of the water quickly sobered the two drug wanderers up. All in all, they had been out of it about half a day, which is about as long as your average vision quest usually goes.

“Cougar Matriarch? Really? I should have known after our last adventure to not leave you two alone near weird, digestible, leafy green plant matter. Even if mom always did say to eat my veggies so I’ll grow up to be big and strong...” Ayame tried her best to sound perturbed, but it came off tinted a bit more with relief that they were okay after all. Naked, but okay. Which wasn’t unusual for them anyways. “Come on, let’s dry you off, pack up, and head on down the rest of this path. You both promised to show me the river, so now that you’ve had your fun, let me have mine, too!”

It was no use, she was just too adorable sometimes. When she wasn’t literally trying to jump and hump both of her idols like an all too excitable dog. She threw an arm around both of them and pulled their naked, soaking selves in for a big group hug. What kind of lovable monster had they created?

The two agreed to Ayame’s terms and got a new set of clothes, if you could call Kat’s red top strap and skirt clothing, as much as Atma’s choice of chestwrap and loincloth were. They were soon packed, making sure their fire out good, and making their way towards the next end of the river, where they could fish and eat it too. Knowing Atma, she’d turn it into a spearfishing contest. With her sword. And make everyone feel bad for her need to swing that thing in public every chance she got.

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

All was not well in the forests surrounding the Russian River, however. A sinister force was gathering not too far from where they camped, a swirling of dark energy hidden over a small bridge in the deepest of the tallest of the trees, where once politicians ruled and they became masters of the “No Girls Allowed” ultimate cooties rule for club membership. Two robed figures sat just out of sight, one taller and behind the other, his robe the more decorative of the two. Neither showed their faces and spoke in the hushest of tones.

“Are those the ones you speak of, Devil-Master Communicator?” the smaller one asked.

“Yes, those two ludicrous displays of immorality and indecency are indeed the ones we must stop if we want to regain this gorgeous land and protect America’s truest values once and for all, Demon Lieutenant Hearst.” the taller one replied. “They’re the very Whore of Babylon written and spoke of in the Book of Revelation.”

“I have a hard time believing these two are the potential mistresses of all that is truly wrong, and nothing more than a pair of bumbling, crude-worded, dim-witted drug addicts. But if the Devil-Master says it shall be, then it shall very much be.”

“They have stolen from us the great Golden State of California, and we shall do all in our power to restore the luster to it it once had under my reign, their tarnish staining it horribly since they took over, heroic acts against anti-American forces or not, they would do far more damage than even the Nazis could. And we’ve not much time before their harm is irreversible.” the taller one coughed a bit, eyes glowing with an incredible crimson sheen, even in the shadows of the trees. “Come now, Demon Lieutenant Hearst, we’ve much work to do. Get the blood of the sacrificial conspiracy theorists ready, their belief in us will strengthen us to stop those witches before they end us all.”

“Aye aye, sir! Would you prefer the climate denialists today or should I throw in a few chemtrails and lizard people believers in for good measure?”

“Stick with the denialists for now, but maybe throwing in one or two of the flouride-paranoid and mix it with the ashes of the Clinton’s emails. We’ll drink this with our wine as we feast tonight on one of those local, wretched hippies.”

“Rare or well-done, Devil-Master?”

“Well-done, I don’t know where the filthy thing’s been!”

And off the two figures sulked back into the forest, plotting the downfall of Katsuragi and Atma, who were far too deep into each others’ bullshit claims about who can like tits the most or some other unimportant business to tell that they had been watched from afar, Ayame happily agreeing that they both were good at boobs and liking them, and that they each provided a unique perspective on this way of life that was valuable to each other. Their base was none other than the legendary forest club for political men with too much free time, and what would soon prove to be the epicenter of every awful conspiracy theory you ever heard coming true in the worst of ways.

Katsuragi and Atma and Ayame unknowingly camped right next to it that very night.

It was the Bohemian Grove.

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