Valkyrie Weapon 4 - 2K18
Nov. 15th, 2018 04:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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heroicrecordsCW Blah something yeah kids go away
WC: 15049/50000
The next morning arose, and with it so did I and some horrible case of morning wood, which was instantly tended to by the guardswomen. How lucky was I to be this heroine with two women gobbling down on me like I was the first meal they saw in ages? Before my brain could register I was indeed awake, I was splattering a mess on them, and then inside of them. I finally came to, so to speak, when one rode my face and gave me my breakfast.
I came down a hot mess, because sleeping in a bar means a lack of bathing facilities. I don’t really recommend it. You know, unless you’re into that too. No judging. The girls just looked at me and grinned knowingly, offering me a napkin and a plate of actual sustenance. It’s hard to beat eggs, fertilized or fried. I wolfed them down, happy knowing that Femrysca was not without its own brands of hot sauces. Gotta keep that stamina going somehow.
We packed our belongings and made sure we had plenty of supplies for our trip to this mystical fortress. With that boss fight under us, we had more than enough gold and experience to make this trip a breeze flowing through the underskirts of women everywhere. I kissed the guardswomen goodbye and told them I’d be back after I defeated the Overlord, so they better stay hungry for this piece of California brisket. They sighed dreamily as we made way out to the gates up north, finding a winding road that went slowly from the neat, technical look of Afrodisia into something more rugged and then into a forest.
I knew what this meant. A low light dungeon we’d have to map and navigate carefully. I trusted my girls on this more than I did, despite my extensive lifelong history with Wizardry clones. I had work to do, mainly learning how to play attack mage. I don’t think I’d ever been one and playing with my staff actually granted us enough light to see our way forward. I would just wave it and the succubus on my staff would glow, tits out, like two flashing beacons off the San Francisco bay, because it’s exactly the kind of place you’d find that. I giggled and wondered what else it could do, and when we got into battle, I got to see exactly that. Amazing rainbows of sparks and fire came out, nuking anything in our path pretty easily. If we combined this with Cassie’s recipes, we could easily start a forest fire, and while that would be the easy way out if it burned down, I myself was a bit burned out on the concept, for understandable Californian reasons.
It could also do things like transform enemies into things small enough to be stepped on, conjure lightning, freeze things, you name your traditional JRPG spell or effect, it could do it, though it was strictly limited to these attack effects outside of the lamp option. When we got to the boss, a queen dryad, I did what I do best in these situations and let my girls distract her as I seduced her and laid her out like the sweet, succulent plant she was and got to work. You could say she was giving me wood. I will probably regret this joke but hey, I’d like to see you in this situation and not make it. You liar.
We got out of the forest and ahead of us was a massive stone and brick fortress, covered in wraps of ivy and with flags sticking out of the towers. As we approached, I felt my stats change from your average JRPG star to something called a Grand Master swordsman. My girls gained similar stat changes and we found ourselves actually kinda hungry and hearing warnings out of nowhere whispering to us about stuff like “The vampire only comes out at evening, but he has stolen all the cattle. He must be stopped. He has a bruised upper tooth.”
“Did any of you girls hear that?” I asked.
“Yeah, how do you bruise your tooth anyways?” asked Anthy. “Isn’t that just like a cavity or something?”
“You’d be surprised?” replied Cassie. “Though seems were about at our destination. You girls feeling any different?”
“Sure do, looked at my status page and I got me something called a Grand Master ranking in swordsmanship and at least Accomplished if not Professional in axe and staff. There’s another one though with a thick row of question marks that I have no idea what it is, but it’s already got a rank of Great attached to it. Methinks that I’m about to unlock a fourth skill once we’ve done our work here.” I was extra studious because this all sounded familiar, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
“Well, there’s only one thing left to do.” Cassie said.
“Knock and enter? I mean, most of these kinds of games we can just waltz in whatever, but you never kno---” I was interrupted by a rude motherfucker in a blue robe and I waved my staff, making it glow and spew flames. A message appeared again in our heads.
“The vampire is dead. The cattle are safe. The people of Rokhard will be pleased to know of your valiant efforts.”
“Shit, that was it?” asked Anthy, who had only just busted her guitar out by the time I offed him.
“Apparently.” Cassie looked around. There was no traces left of the fiend, and she shrugged. “Shall we go in to this place then? It looks...I wouldn’t say cozy, but safe is a good word for a structure like this.”
“Yeah, let’s get going.” I grinned, picking up some experience from that encounter and knocking on the fortress’ doors, only to find them unlocked. We entered and were welcomed with an incredible array of short, hard working women, hammering away at various machinations and tending to things like cooking stoves and indoor livestock pens, of which the cattle were now definitely safe.
“We heard! We heard! The Grand Master swordswoman has arrived and she’s already taken care of the vampire! With such ease we know it’s none other than the heroine that saved Afrodisia and Tightquiver, the Valkyrie Weapon!” The girls cheered, bowing to us, leaving me to just scratch my head.
“Word travels fast here.” Cassie smirked.
“Typical RPG banter. They always somehow know before we can tell them. I have to wonder what kind of messengers they hire and where we can find some of our own.” I laughed. “However, let’s take the thanks and see if there’s anything else we can do here. With this kind of news and the abilities screen with locked options, I can tell something incredible awaits us here.”
“We should take you to our leader!” one of the short girls shouted. I smiled again and nodded. “Please do, milady, we heroes would love to meet with any one of you, if you know what I mean.”
I couldn’t believe my libido was this rampant. I mean, it usually is, but the fact I was ready to jump even this poor unnamed NPC’s bones was proof something magic was in the air of Femrysca. I lead my girls in and followed the short girl down an incredible array of paths, watching other girls work and tend to their jobs and lives, flashing lusty smiles at me and wishing I could stop to help them hammer out something harder, if you get my drift.
Of course you do by now but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop doing it.
We got to the main door and the girl knocked and shouted inside. “The Valkyrie Weapon has arrived! She has bested the test with ease and has proven her might and worthiness of meeting with you, my queen!”
“You may enter.” said a deep, familiar voice.
Once we did and I got a glimpse of that hair and hat and hammer, everything finally clicked. We were met with the legendary interdimensional traveler, businesswoman, and mighty inventor, Miri Nullus. She was the avatar invented by my long term girlfriend, a deaf cougar named Koshka, in order to put herself in a place she could hear and speak. She was her, but also wasn’t. Which meant this place was a dwarf fort, and that we’d have to tread lightly. This place could collapse in a depression spiral anytime. Her throne was covered in cat fur, with a few cats just walking around the place. I forgot how much they loved cats and used them for companionship.
“Miri! Koshka! Something! My girl!” I jumped up and gave her a big big hug. She was warm and smelled of soot and iron and fire. Cassie and Anthy joined in and we reunited. After a moment, she pushed us off gently and began to speak.
“When I heard a horny heroine was going around saving the day with ease and traveling with some hot companions, I knew it had to be you. There’s nobody else foolhardy or libidinous enough to attempt such a task like taking on a toxic, misogynistic overlord like Pander.” Miri began.
“Did you hear that Cassie? She thinks we’re hot!” Anthy smiled. “Wait, does this mean you can hear music? Can I play you the song of my people?”
“Some other time. We have big trouble, as you can probably tell from the fact your stats changed once you entered our territory.” Miri replied. “I’ve been in charge of this place a while, making sure it stands tall, and when Pander took over he began building a rival fort on the mountain next to us. I would have taken it down by now, but it’s run by one of his Four Plays as he calls them so stupidly so, the Techno-General Sukker. I have no idea what’s up with these names, but that’s the gist of it.”
“We just took down someone named Strippur, so we’re right there with you being baffled at this.” Cassie replied. “What else can you tell us about this guy?”
“He relied heavily on technology I’ve not encountered before, and is also reliant on stuff that is easily reinforced by physical means, but we seem to have found the kink in his armor; magic. Sadly, that’s not my forte, but when I heard you were coming from Afrodisia I knew that you would be able to help.”
I grinned and showed off my succubus staff. It lit its tits up and I laughed. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem. Why don’t we formulate a plan to invade it like a true fortress and show him what for? My magic is second to none now, for once in my life. Hell, it even helped me lay a dryad’s ass back into the dirt!”
“Oh, you’re bragging. Of course you are. You just want everyone to know you did it.” Miri stuck her tongue out and went pbbbbt.
“Pbbt.” replied Anthy.
“Pbbt.” replied Cassie.
“You two.” I shook my head a bit. They really did admire Koshka so anyone like her was bound to get them copying some of her personality. I sat down on the throne and let a cat jump on me. Actually felt nice to be petting something I didn’t want to screw for a change. Though my stomach began roaring.
“So, uh, I’m really hungry. Any idea how to fix this?” I asked.
“Oh. Yes. Hold on.” Miri snapped her fingers, bringing forth her dwarf women and piles of meat and roasted vegetables for us. “Eat this, and with that you’ll have switched from adventure to fortress, and the food thing won’t be coming up as much. But do fill yourselves because it’s going to be a long fight.”
“You’re making me eat my veggies too?” Anthy whimpered.
“Of course.” Miri gave a wicked grin. “I know everything Koshka would. So eat up, you don’t want to become like Atma do you?”
Anthy pouted and did as she was told, actually finding the meal filling. Cassie picked at her dinner quickly as her and Miri began to formulate a plan to take down the Techno-General. Their war table was almost as massive as my dick, and speaking of, I snuck off as the other three worked on this and began to pound my massive iron into some hot forges around here. I wasn’t sure if this was a nuisance or not, having to lay everyone in sight, but I just wanted this half boner I’d had since I arrived to go away. It’s a good thing dwarf women were tough, because I got rough and tumble with a bunch at the same time and made my way back into the room, thinking I’d snuck by without being noticed I was gone.
“Someone smells like dwarf cum.” Miri sighed. “Atma...”
“I couldn’t help it! They’re so cute and tight and tough and, woof, if I don’t quit I’m just going to get hard again.” I grinned, a bit of stickyness still showing proudly on my teeth and lips.
“You fucking she-wolf.” Anthy licked some of it off me, making me blush, which made Cassie smirk, and all of the sudden I went soft because now I was being focused on. A weird reaction, but it shocked me and brought me back to reality.
The reality of WAR.
War is hell, all is fair in love and war, and here I am to cause hell in both. I looked over the plan and couldn’t begin to tell you what it means.
I let out a simple “what” at it as the girls laughed.
“It’s in fort schematics. I wouldn’t expect you to know that. Your job is to just break it here.” Miri pointed at a spot to the left of the entrance. “This, for some reason, is a spot on the enemy fort made out of normal material. They must have run out of whatever it was they were using. They tried to paint it over but as you can see, the painter smudged his name onto the corner, giving it away.”
“So, I cast magic missile on that bitch and we infiltrate, slaughter, defeat this Sukker guy, and then return any women we find safely to the fortress for them to, ah, thank me by forging me a new steel rod, right?” I snorted.
“I can and can’t believe you’re still able to get on that innuendo train.” Cassie laughed.
“I can. Totally. Great minds think alike and they made two of us, right?” Anthy put an arm around me and grinned.
“Yeah yeah. But really, that’s the plan, right? You pumping up the viking horde blood in me so I can get all horny for some fighting too, right? A good ol’ fashioned slaughter and pillage? Because I won’t do the other thing usually associated with that. I’m a chivalrous woman, after all.” I whistled.
“Just get ready, because they’re not going to expect this the second you arrived. They probably are biding their time, waiting to be able to take us on themselves and raid us.” Miri sighed. “We got serious work to do and it’s time for you to do the hero thing. Whether I get it or not, this is your time to shine.”
With that said and done, we prepped our supplied, getting them free from the dwarves as they’re all homemade, replenishing what was lost in the forest maze. I just prayed we’d not make it to an ice level. Or water. I dunno which one was worse in my opinion. I flexed and lifted my staff up, feeling like a real warlock. Or more like warcock in my case. That’d make a great metal album title. Or band. Maybe I could start one up after this adventure was over. I mean, I was a heroic bard once. No reason why none of that wouldn’t be retained in me.
We got outside and the weird messages began again, just your average mundane issues that villagers would discuss, and looking off to the other direction of Rokhard was a tiny little enclave of elves, talking about trees and weed and making some weed out of trees or something and trading it to the dwarves for some booze.
Miri took a swig from her flask and adjusted the barrel on her back. I had asked her what that was a bit before but she just promised me it was a nice surprise for Sukker. I trusted her, and while none of us shared a swig of her liquid courage, we did enjoy some fresh juice from our own flasks that the dwarves had prepared for us, though I’m pretty sure mine was laced with a familiar, sticky musk. I had to wonder which one of them jerked off into my juice, but it could be any of them, and I didn’t have the time to pause and taste them all to find out which one did it.
Anthy pulled out her guitar and began to sing a traveling tune, narrating us as we went along, and somehow refreshing me and Cassie, but Miri was unimpressed. It’s music. Whatever to her and Koshka. What was more important to her was being able to hear and communicate clearly like that for once in her life. It took about a half day’s hike to get up the hill, and the only thing to quit my big oni girlfriend because that music could give us away at any second was her walking backwards into the wall of the enemy fortress. Good job, girl. However, the paint smudged onto her shirt and gave away the weak point, letting me get ready to take action.
“Get ready, because we’re about to fucking party!” I shouted as I cast a strong fire spell along the lines where the stones were stuck together, melting what binded them and then blowing it wide open, with me yelling a hearty “Surprise, motherfuckers! The mighty Warcock Valkyrie Weapon has arrived to wreck your asses, and if you got any women, wreck their asses consensually in a different way!”
“Worst battle cry I ever heard.” Miri scoffed.
“Yeah but that’s definitely our lady boyfriend.” Cassie smiled, preparing some nasty poisons for some of the more basic troops. She knew infecting them would lead to an outbreak, possibly a spiral, making our job in here a lot easier than you’d think. At least I know the cats would survive; you have no idea how hardy dwarf cats are. I seen whole continents blow up and they somehow just make it to the last piece of land and basically start a new civilization. Not unlike goblins who get stuck behind trees until their clothes rot off. I’m surprised cats haven’t taken over this section of Femrysca yet.
But pussy definitely has. Whoa ho. A joke by the Valkyrie Weapon, age 14.
If nothing else, having two scheming genuises in the party helped us make short work of the lower mobs and even some of the middle ranking ones. With Anthy playing a hardy viking metal song to encourage my power, I burned right through their barriers and began to blow up their smiths and cooking tables and whatnot. Cattle? Fuck your cow. That’s a steak now and my girls will feast tonight. I cackled as I wielded my new, unforseen magic power, having no idea I was high Wis, low Int this entire time. How else can you explain me shooting lasers from my succubus staff’s cunt and at the eyes of the male dwarves who dare oppose us?
Besides, our beards are better. You shits need to learn some basic fucking hygiene. No wonder you all are so mad at women, one kiss from that and you’d be flossing your teeth for weeks. Disgusting. There’s also probably untold gold in there but you couldn’t pay me to dig in it.
But I could always just burn it, which was fun to watch a bunch of short guys running around with their beards on fire as if I just killed their dog. Bald, beardless, butt ugly. Some of them surrendered right there, their real bravery showing. It was only as long as their hairs on their chin. Maybe we were on to something here.
“Slay them! Behead them! Oh sweet revenge!” I began to sing, remembering a favorite song from back home, going slightly out of tune with Anthy’s version of it, but who cares? I’m the fucking hero and I can be as off key as I want to. I forged a path for my girls, Anthy staying in back, as Miri and Cassie began to line the fort’s walls where the spackling and glue was, a few of the girls from Rokhard coming in and pillaging what they could of the mysterious material that was lining the area. Eventually, I made it to the top spire and came across a rather beefy looking guard.
We’re talking axe, muscles, body hair for miles, bad tattoos, ragged pelts for clothing, eyes that reflected a soul long lonely and dead inside. He roared as he saw me, spit flying from his teeth as he bared them and charged at me. Unlucky for him, I still had plenty of the ol’ magic in me, and the Warcock Weapon ain’t going down that easy.
I pulled out my flask, chugged what was left of my dwarf juice, replenished my magic points, and threw the chunk of metal right between his eyes where the bridge of his nose was. It stung and that brief second of him stopping in his tracks right in front of me was all I needed to prepare the spell that would define some of my treachery to Pander for a while to come.
Not only did I burn every single inch of that body hair off by laying his pelt on fire with that napalm that laced the juice I’d been drinking. Gotta build up a resistance somehow, and while my hit points were slowly diminishing, my spirit wasn’t, and I shot the lasers off my succubus staff’s tits right into his eyes, burning them and making them bleed, blinding him before I switched to my own axe and decapitated him, switching back to my staff and topping it with the guard’s head.
I then kicked down the door to the Techno-General’s throne and pointed his own guard’s head at him, my girls catching up. He looked not unlike the guard, and he went from a cocky smile to wide eyed and angry as he saw me grinning and holding up the head at him.
“Welcome to Phalliuhold, Valkyr--- Wait is that…M-My brother...” he sputtered. “So...So utterly destroyed. You. You did this?” he asked.
“Hey, Sukker, or should I say sucker, if you want to avoid the same fate as this guy here, you’ll turn your sorry fucking ass around and tell the Overlord that he ain’t welcome here and if y’all know what’s good for you, you’ll pack up and go home. This world belongs to the women, Femrysca is for the ladies, and most of all.” I grinned as I lifted my loincloth and flashed him. “I bet you mine’s bigger.”
Sukker roared and grabbed a massive spear off the wall, pointing it at me and spitting at the ground on my feet, his eyes fighting back tears as he wanted to mourn his brother, charging directly at me as well. It’s almost like these guys were trained poorly. No Grand Master fucking anything here. What kind of fools was Pander employing? The first ones that could pass the fucking eye exam?
“You want your brother back so much? Here, I’ll give you some head, bro.” I laughed.
I tossed the head off my staff at him and shook the blood off. What bigger insult could there be than being knocked around and sent into a depression spiral than your own brother’s head colliding with your own damn thick skull?
“How dare you?? In Overlord Pander’s name, I’m going to desecrate you and every last one of your women using that very head you just hit me with!” Sukker shouted, adjusting his really tacky nude mudflap style belt buckle, as if I’d be scared or impressed by anything a man’s got right now.
“Not if I pleasure them first!” I let him run himself into a wall and began to chant. “In the name of the daughter, the mother, and the holy warrior Raidy, I conjure forth the spell that will bring you your doom! Now, why don’t you show me that big fucking spear of yours and try to penetrate me with it, aye?”
I left myself wide open on purpose, standing in front of his throne like I owned the place, and shouted a “NOW!” as Miri came in and dropped her barrel, it lined up with what her and Cassie had been doing and detonating it with a hearty lighting off her flask of dwarven vodka, the strongest fucking booze known to any race. The whole of Phalliuhold went up like a firework and out from the now clear view of the sky, the lightning bolt I had been summoning struck him dead on in his spear.
The weapon, not his crotch. I already castrated one of these guys, what fun would it be to do the same? Instead, I was going to send this one back well done and unrecognizable, bald and roasted like the chauvinist pig special barbecue platter he now was. The spear and his armor broke into bits, and he had just enough left in him to cover his crotch and go running.
Not a word out of him left, because he was so fucking embarrassed and his place empty and burned to the ground he had nothing left. No fort, no brother, and especially no full manly face of hair.
The Warcock Weapon had triumphed this time, yet again, like we all expected anything less. Anthy let out a nice shred as we all felt a massive level up, our stats healing, and just in time, my posturing after drinking actual napalm had drained my health, and I was lucky I hadn’t been hit.
“Good work, girls. Let’s gather up some of this fort material and return to Rokhard, we earned a party, a rest, and then I think it’s on to the next location. Like always.”
The women of Rokhard cheered, their bears more flowing than ever, as we picked up some of this material to study and went back home for food, fucking, and a full night’s sleep. At least I knew that’s what I would be doing after we unlocked our skills.
I gained Rainbow Bridge – Glaive, and swapped out to it. Gee, this chainmail bikini and headband looked oddly familiar. I think a certain Whelan wore it once. How fitting. Anthy gained Molten Vivace, a version of what she had been singing in the fortress. Cassie gained Recipe – Dwarven Vodka, made from the mushrooms and grains found around Rokhard, a strong and potent fuel and also really good at making enemies confused and hit themselves.
Miri joined the party, and came with four rogue skills, one was Cutpurse, which stole money. One was Safecracker, which made any mimicks we encountered useless and all chests open successfully. Another was Lockbuster, which meant we no longer had to stock keys. And another was Throatcutter, which had a small chance of instantly killing someone.
We returned to Rokhard for a full meaty feast (with extra veggies for our favorite oni bard whether she wanted it or not) and for me, that included a lot of rough and ready dwarf women. As I partied it out, Anthy practiced her new song and Miri and Cassie began to study the strange material that we’d been encountering. Whatever it was, it seemed to react negatively to Lesbifrost, and the two would act as counter forces, making the two girls wonder exactly what it was. It was interesting, and it was noted to tell me to be careful around it, but it’d explain why badguys were surrounding themselves with it.
Either way, that was two of the Four Plays down and two to go.
We awoke the next morning to dwarven cakes for breakfast and laid out our map. The next place was almost directly east of here, a town called Gropehold, which was marked oddly enough with some kind of fighting ring on the map. Something told me we were about to enter the tournament arc of this story. And if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s fightin’.
But for now, with the enemies thoroughly humiliated in a most metal fashion, and us greeting a new dawn with some hints about the enemies’ plans, and yet another major boss down, we sat down to yet another big breakfast and began to stuff our faces. Do you know how hungry dwarven work makes you? No wonder they’re always eating strange stuff; this menu was off the charts with stuff like camel steak and butterfly nuggets. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to make those myself. Gotta take what you can get when your work requires this much sweat and effort.
The real cake, however, for me, was one last round with the smith girls before we decided to get ready and go. Gropehold wasn’t far off for a change, but that meant usually whatever was next was a longer threat.
All I know is my glaive needed some serious testing out, and by that I mean bending the girls over and thrusting my own glaive into them over and over. And then actual combat practice.
It’s just a good thing that dwarf juice was so hydrating because I was definitely working up a sweat here.
Does girl cum contain electrolytes? Wait, don’t answer that, I don’t wanna know.
Gay-torade. What’s in you?
WC: 15049/50000
The next morning arose, and with it so did I and some horrible case of morning wood, which was instantly tended to by the guardswomen. How lucky was I to be this heroine with two women gobbling down on me like I was the first meal they saw in ages? Before my brain could register I was indeed awake, I was splattering a mess on them, and then inside of them. I finally came to, so to speak, when one rode my face and gave me my breakfast.
I came down a hot mess, because sleeping in a bar means a lack of bathing facilities. I don’t really recommend it. You know, unless you’re into that too. No judging. The girls just looked at me and grinned knowingly, offering me a napkin and a plate of actual sustenance. It’s hard to beat eggs, fertilized or fried. I wolfed them down, happy knowing that Femrysca was not without its own brands of hot sauces. Gotta keep that stamina going somehow.
We packed our belongings and made sure we had plenty of supplies for our trip to this mystical fortress. With that boss fight under us, we had more than enough gold and experience to make this trip a breeze flowing through the underskirts of women everywhere. I kissed the guardswomen goodbye and told them I’d be back after I defeated the Overlord, so they better stay hungry for this piece of California brisket. They sighed dreamily as we made way out to the gates up north, finding a winding road that went slowly from the neat, technical look of Afrodisia into something more rugged and then into a forest.
I knew what this meant. A low light dungeon we’d have to map and navigate carefully. I trusted my girls on this more than I did, despite my extensive lifelong history with Wizardry clones. I had work to do, mainly learning how to play attack mage. I don’t think I’d ever been one and playing with my staff actually granted us enough light to see our way forward. I would just wave it and the succubus on my staff would glow, tits out, like two flashing beacons off the San Francisco bay, because it’s exactly the kind of place you’d find that. I giggled and wondered what else it could do, and when we got into battle, I got to see exactly that. Amazing rainbows of sparks and fire came out, nuking anything in our path pretty easily. If we combined this with Cassie’s recipes, we could easily start a forest fire, and while that would be the easy way out if it burned down, I myself was a bit burned out on the concept, for understandable Californian reasons.
It could also do things like transform enemies into things small enough to be stepped on, conjure lightning, freeze things, you name your traditional JRPG spell or effect, it could do it, though it was strictly limited to these attack effects outside of the lamp option. When we got to the boss, a queen dryad, I did what I do best in these situations and let my girls distract her as I seduced her and laid her out like the sweet, succulent plant she was and got to work. You could say she was giving me wood. I will probably regret this joke but hey, I’d like to see you in this situation and not make it. You liar.
We got out of the forest and ahead of us was a massive stone and brick fortress, covered in wraps of ivy and with flags sticking out of the towers. As we approached, I felt my stats change from your average JRPG star to something called a Grand Master swordsman. My girls gained similar stat changes and we found ourselves actually kinda hungry and hearing warnings out of nowhere whispering to us about stuff like “The vampire only comes out at evening, but he has stolen all the cattle. He must be stopped. He has a bruised upper tooth.”
“Did any of you girls hear that?” I asked.
“Yeah, how do you bruise your tooth anyways?” asked Anthy. “Isn’t that just like a cavity or something?”
“You’d be surprised?” replied Cassie. “Though seems were about at our destination. You girls feeling any different?”
“Sure do, looked at my status page and I got me something called a Grand Master ranking in swordsmanship and at least Accomplished if not Professional in axe and staff. There’s another one though with a thick row of question marks that I have no idea what it is, but it’s already got a rank of Great attached to it. Methinks that I’m about to unlock a fourth skill once we’ve done our work here.” I was extra studious because this all sounded familiar, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
“Well, there’s only one thing left to do.” Cassie said.
“Knock and enter? I mean, most of these kinds of games we can just waltz in whatever, but you never kno---” I was interrupted by a rude motherfucker in a blue robe and I waved my staff, making it glow and spew flames. A message appeared again in our heads.
“The vampire is dead. The cattle are safe. The people of Rokhard will be pleased to know of your valiant efforts.”
“Shit, that was it?” asked Anthy, who had only just busted her guitar out by the time I offed him.
“Apparently.” Cassie looked around. There was no traces left of the fiend, and she shrugged. “Shall we go in to this place then? It looks...I wouldn’t say cozy, but safe is a good word for a structure like this.”
“Yeah, let’s get going.” I grinned, picking up some experience from that encounter and knocking on the fortress’ doors, only to find them unlocked. We entered and were welcomed with an incredible array of short, hard working women, hammering away at various machinations and tending to things like cooking stoves and indoor livestock pens, of which the cattle were now definitely safe.
“We heard! We heard! The Grand Master swordswoman has arrived and she’s already taken care of the vampire! With such ease we know it’s none other than the heroine that saved Afrodisia and Tightquiver, the Valkyrie Weapon!” The girls cheered, bowing to us, leaving me to just scratch my head.
“Word travels fast here.” Cassie smirked.
“Typical RPG banter. They always somehow know before we can tell them. I have to wonder what kind of messengers they hire and where we can find some of our own.” I laughed. “However, let’s take the thanks and see if there’s anything else we can do here. With this kind of news and the abilities screen with locked options, I can tell something incredible awaits us here.”
“We should take you to our leader!” one of the short girls shouted. I smiled again and nodded. “Please do, milady, we heroes would love to meet with any one of you, if you know what I mean.”
I couldn’t believe my libido was this rampant. I mean, it usually is, but the fact I was ready to jump even this poor unnamed NPC’s bones was proof something magic was in the air of Femrysca. I lead my girls in and followed the short girl down an incredible array of paths, watching other girls work and tend to their jobs and lives, flashing lusty smiles at me and wishing I could stop to help them hammer out something harder, if you get my drift.
Of course you do by now but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop doing it.
We got to the main door and the girl knocked and shouted inside. “The Valkyrie Weapon has arrived! She has bested the test with ease and has proven her might and worthiness of meeting with you, my queen!”
“You may enter.” said a deep, familiar voice.
Once we did and I got a glimpse of that hair and hat and hammer, everything finally clicked. We were met with the legendary interdimensional traveler, businesswoman, and mighty inventor, Miri Nullus. She was the avatar invented by my long term girlfriend, a deaf cougar named Koshka, in order to put herself in a place she could hear and speak. She was her, but also wasn’t. Which meant this place was a dwarf fort, and that we’d have to tread lightly. This place could collapse in a depression spiral anytime. Her throne was covered in cat fur, with a few cats just walking around the place. I forgot how much they loved cats and used them for companionship.
“Miri! Koshka! Something! My girl!” I jumped up and gave her a big big hug. She was warm and smelled of soot and iron and fire. Cassie and Anthy joined in and we reunited. After a moment, she pushed us off gently and began to speak.
“When I heard a horny heroine was going around saving the day with ease and traveling with some hot companions, I knew it had to be you. There’s nobody else foolhardy or libidinous enough to attempt such a task like taking on a toxic, misogynistic overlord like Pander.” Miri began.
“Did you hear that Cassie? She thinks we’re hot!” Anthy smiled. “Wait, does this mean you can hear music? Can I play you the song of my people?”
“Some other time. We have big trouble, as you can probably tell from the fact your stats changed once you entered our territory.” Miri replied. “I’ve been in charge of this place a while, making sure it stands tall, and when Pander took over he began building a rival fort on the mountain next to us. I would have taken it down by now, but it’s run by one of his Four Plays as he calls them so stupidly so, the Techno-General Sukker. I have no idea what’s up with these names, but that’s the gist of it.”
“We just took down someone named Strippur, so we’re right there with you being baffled at this.” Cassie replied. “What else can you tell us about this guy?”
“He relied heavily on technology I’ve not encountered before, and is also reliant on stuff that is easily reinforced by physical means, but we seem to have found the kink in his armor; magic. Sadly, that’s not my forte, but when I heard you were coming from Afrodisia I knew that you would be able to help.”
I grinned and showed off my succubus staff. It lit its tits up and I laughed. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem. Why don’t we formulate a plan to invade it like a true fortress and show him what for? My magic is second to none now, for once in my life. Hell, it even helped me lay a dryad’s ass back into the dirt!”
“Oh, you’re bragging. Of course you are. You just want everyone to know you did it.” Miri stuck her tongue out and went pbbbbt.
“Pbbt.” replied Anthy.
“Pbbt.” replied Cassie.
“You two.” I shook my head a bit. They really did admire Koshka so anyone like her was bound to get them copying some of her personality. I sat down on the throne and let a cat jump on me. Actually felt nice to be petting something I didn’t want to screw for a change. Though my stomach began roaring.
“So, uh, I’m really hungry. Any idea how to fix this?” I asked.
“Oh. Yes. Hold on.” Miri snapped her fingers, bringing forth her dwarf women and piles of meat and roasted vegetables for us. “Eat this, and with that you’ll have switched from adventure to fortress, and the food thing won’t be coming up as much. But do fill yourselves because it’s going to be a long fight.”
“You’re making me eat my veggies too?” Anthy whimpered.
“Of course.” Miri gave a wicked grin. “I know everything Koshka would. So eat up, you don’t want to become like Atma do you?”
Anthy pouted and did as she was told, actually finding the meal filling. Cassie picked at her dinner quickly as her and Miri began to formulate a plan to take down the Techno-General. Their war table was almost as massive as my dick, and speaking of, I snuck off as the other three worked on this and began to pound my massive iron into some hot forges around here. I wasn’t sure if this was a nuisance or not, having to lay everyone in sight, but I just wanted this half boner I’d had since I arrived to go away. It’s a good thing dwarf women were tough, because I got rough and tumble with a bunch at the same time and made my way back into the room, thinking I’d snuck by without being noticed I was gone.
“Someone smells like dwarf cum.” Miri sighed. “Atma...”
“I couldn’t help it! They’re so cute and tight and tough and, woof, if I don’t quit I’m just going to get hard again.” I grinned, a bit of stickyness still showing proudly on my teeth and lips.
“You fucking she-wolf.” Anthy licked some of it off me, making me blush, which made Cassie smirk, and all of the sudden I went soft because now I was being focused on. A weird reaction, but it shocked me and brought me back to reality.
The reality of WAR.
War is hell, all is fair in love and war, and here I am to cause hell in both. I looked over the plan and couldn’t begin to tell you what it means.
I let out a simple “what” at it as the girls laughed.
“It’s in fort schematics. I wouldn’t expect you to know that. Your job is to just break it here.” Miri pointed at a spot to the left of the entrance. “This, for some reason, is a spot on the enemy fort made out of normal material. They must have run out of whatever it was they were using. They tried to paint it over but as you can see, the painter smudged his name onto the corner, giving it away.”
“So, I cast magic missile on that bitch and we infiltrate, slaughter, defeat this Sukker guy, and then return any women we find safely to the fortress for them to, ah, thank me by forging me a new steel rod, right?” I snorted.
“I can and can’t believe you’re still able to get on that innuendo train.” Cassie laughed.
“I can. Totally. Great minds think alike and they made two of us, right?” Anthy put an arm around me and grinned.
“Yeah yeah. But really, that’s the plan, right? You pumping up the viking horde blood in me so I can get all horny for some fighting too, right? A good ol’ fashioned slaughter and pillage? Because I won’t do the other thing usually associated with that. I’m a chivalrous woman, after all.” I whistled.
“Just get ready, because they’re not going to expect this the second you arrived. They probably are biding their time, waiting to be able to take us on themselves and raid us.” Miri sighed. “We got serious work to do and it’s time for you to do the hero thing. Whether I get it or not, this is your time to shine.”
With that said and done, we prepped our supplied, getting them free from the dwarves as they’re all homemade, replenishing what was lost in the forest maze. I just prayed we’d not make it to an ice level. Or water. I dunno which one was worse in my opinion. I flexed and lifted my staff up, feeling like a real warlock. Or more like warcock in my case. That’d make a great metal album title. Or band. Maybe I could start one up after this adventure was over. I mean, I was a heroic bard once. No reason why none of that wouldn’t be retained in me.
We got outside and the weird messages began again, just your average mundane issues that villagers would discuss, and looking off to the other direction of Rokhard was a tiny little enclave of elves, talking about trees and weed and making some weed out of trees or something and trading it to the dwarves for some booze.
Miri took a swig from her flask and adjusted the barrel on her back. I had asked her what that was a bit before but she just promised me it was a nice surprise for Sukker. I trusted her, and while none of us shared a swig of her liquid courage, we did enjoy some fresh juice from our own flasks that the dwarves had prepared for us, though I’m pretty sure mine was laced with a familiar, sticky musk. I had to wonder which one of them jerked off into my juice, but it could be any of them, and I didn’t have the time to pause and taste them all to find out which one did it.
Anthy pulled out her guitar and began to sing a traveling tune, narrating us as we went along, and somehow refreshing me and Cassie, but Miri was unimpressed. It’s music. Whatever to her and Koshka. What was more important to her was being able to hear and communicate clearly like that for once in her life. It took about a half day’s hike to get up the hill, and the only thing to quit my big oni girlfriend because that music could give us away at any second was her walking backwards into the wall of the enemy fortress. Good job, girl. However, the paint smudged onto her shirt and gave away the weak point, letting me get ready to take action.
“Get ready, because we’re about to fucking party!” I shouted as I cast a strong fire spell along the lines where the stones were stuck together, melting what binded them and then blowing it wide open, with me yelling a hearty “Surprise, motherfuckers! The mighty Warcock Valkyrie Weapon has arrived to wreck your asses, and if you got any women, wreck their asses consensually in a different way!”
“Worst battle cry I ever heard.” Miri scoffed.
“Yeah but that’s definitely our lady boyfriend.” Cassie smiled, preparing some nasty poisons for some of the more basic troops. She knew infecting them would lead to an outbreak, possibly a spiral, making our job in here a lot easier than you’d think. At least I know the cats would survive; you have no idea how hardy dwarf cats are. I seen whole continents blow up and they somehow just make it to the last piece of land and basically start a new civilization. Not unlike goblins who get stuck behind trees until their clothes rot off. I’m surprised cats haven’t taken over this section of Femrysca yet.
But pussy definitely has. Whoa ho. A joke by the Valkyrie Weapon, age 14.
If nothing else, having two scheming genuises in the party helped us make short work of the lower mobs and even some of the middle ranking ones. With Anthy playing a hardy viking metal song to encourage my power, I burned right through their barriers and began to blow up their smiths and cooking tables and whatnot. Cattle? Fuck your cow. That’s a steak now and my girls will feast tonight. I cackled as I wielded my new, unforseen magic power, having no idea I was high Wis, low Int this entire time. How else can you explain me shooting lasers from my succubus staff’s cunt and at the eyes of the male dwarves who dare oppose us?
Besides, our beards are better. You shits need to learn some basic fucking hygiene. No wonder you all are so mad at women, one kiss from that and you’d be flossing your teeth for weeks. Disgusting. There’s also probably untold gold in there but you couldn’t pay me to dig in it.
But I could always just burn it, which was fun to watch a bunch of short guys running around with their beards on fire as if I just killed their dog. Bald, beardless, butt ugly. Some of them surrendered right there, their real bravery showing. It was only as long as their hairs on their chin. Maybe we were on to something here.
“Slay them! Behead them! Oh sweet revenge!” I began to sing, remembering a favorite song from back home, going slightly out of tune with Anthy’s version of it, but who cares? I’m the fucking hero and I can be as off key as I want to. I forged a path for my girls, Anthy staying in back, as Miri and Cassie began to line the fort’s walls where the spackling and glue was, a few of the girls from Rokhard coming in and pillaging what they could of the mysterious material that was lining the area. Eventually, I made it to the top spire and came across a rather beefy looking guard.
We’re talking axe, muscles, body hair for miles, bad tattoos, ragged pelts for clothing, eyes that reflected a soul long lonely and dead inside. He roared as he saw me, spit flying from his teeth as he bared them and charged at me. Unlucky for him, I still had plenty of the ol’ magic in me, and the Warcock Weapon ain’t going down that easy.
I pulled out my flask, chugged what was left of my dwarf juice, replenished my magic points, and threw the chunk of metal right between his eyes where the bridge of his nose was. It stung and that brief second of him stopping in his tracks right in front of me was all I needed to prepare the spell that would define some of my treachery to Pander for a while to come.
Not only did I burn every single inch of that body hair off by laying his pelt on fire with that napalm that laced the juice I’d been drinking. Gotta build up a resistance somehow, and while my hit points were slowly diminishing, my spirit wasn’t, and I shot the lasers off my succubus staff’s tits right into his eyes, burning them and making them bleed, blinding him before I switched to my own axe and decapitated him, switching back to my staff and topping it with the guard’s head.
I then kicked down the door to the Techno-General’s throne and pointed his own guard’s head at him, my girls catching up. He looked not unlike the guard, and he went from a cocky smile to wide eyed and angry as he saw me grinning and holding up the head at him.
“Welcome to Phalliuhold, Valkyr--- Wait is that…M-My brother...” he sputtered. “So...So utterly destroyed. You. You did this?” he asked.
“Hey, Sukker, or should I say sucker, if you want to avoid the same fate as this guy here, you’ll turn your sorry fucking ass around and tell the Overlord that he ain’t welcome here and if y’all know what’s good for you, you’ll pack up and go home. This world belongs to the women, Femrysca is for the ladies, and most of all.” I grinned as I lifted my loincloth and flashed him. “I bet you mine’s bigger.”
Sukker roared and grabbed a massive spear off the wall, pointing it at me and spitting at the ground on my feet, his eyes fighting back tears as he wanted to mourn his brother, charging directly at me as well. It’s almost like these guys were trained poorly. No Grand Master fucking anything here. What kind of fools was Pander employing? The first ones that could pass the fucking eye exam?
“You want your brother back so much? Here, I’ll give you some head, bro.” I laughed.
I tossed the head off my staff at him and shook the blood off. What bigger insult could there be than being knocked around and sent into a depression spiral than your own brother’s head colliding with your own damn thick skull?
“How dare you?? In Overlord Pander’s name, I’m going to desecrate you and every last one of your women using that very head you just hit me with!” Sukker shouted, adjusting his really tacky nude mudflap style belt buckle, as if I’d be scared or impressed by anything a man’s got right now.
“Not if I pleasure them first!” I let him run himself into a wall and began to chant. “In the name of the daughter, the mother, and the holy warrior Raidy, I conjure forth the spell that will bring you your doom! Now, why don’t you show me that big fucking spear of yours and try to penetrate me with it, aye?”
I left myself wide open on purpose, standing in front of his throne like I owned the place, and shouted a “NOW!” as Miri came in and dropped her barrel, it lined up with what her and Cassie had been doing and detonating it with a hearty lighting off her flask of dwarven vodka, the strongest fucking booze known to any race. The whole of Phalliuhold went up like a firework and out from the now clear view of the sky, the lightning bolt I had been summoning struck him dead on in his spear.
The weapon, not his crotch. I already castrated one of these guys, what fun would it be to do the same? Instead, I was going to send this one back well done and unrecognizable, bald and roasted like the chauvinist pig special barbecue platter he now was. The spear and his armor broke into bits, and he had just enough left in him to cover his crotch and go running.
Not a word out of him left, because he was so fucking embarrassed and his place empty and burned to the ground he had nothing left. No fort, no brother, and especially no full manly face of hair.
The Warcock Weapon had triumphed this time, yet again, like we all expected anything less. Anthy let out a nice shred as we all felt a massive level up, our stats healing, and just in time, my posturing after drinking actual napalm had drained my health, and I was lucky I hadn’t been hit.
“Good work, girls. Let’s gather up some of this fort material and return to Rokhard, we earned a party, a rest, and then I think it’s on to the next location. Like always.”
The women of Rokhard cheered, their bears more flowing than ever, as we picked up some of this material to study and went back home for food, fucking, and a full night’s sleep. At least I knew that’s what I would be doing after we unlocked our skills.
I gained Rainbow Bridge – Glaive, and swapped out to it. Gee, this chainmail bikini and headband looked oddly familiar. I think a certain Whelan wore it once. How fitting. Anthy gained Molten Vivace, a version of what she had been singing in the fortress. Cassie gained Recipe – Dwarven Vodka, made from the mushrooms and grains found around Rokhard, a strong and potent fuel and also really good at making enemies confused and hit themselves.
Miri joined the party, and came with four rogue skills, one was Cutpurse, which stole money. One was Safecracker, which made any mimicks we encountered useless and all chests open successfully. Another was Lockbuster, which meant we no longer had to stock keys. And another was Throatcutter, which had a small chance of instantly killing someone.
We returned to Rokhard for a full meaty feast (with extra veggies for our favorite oni bard whether she wanted it or not) and for me, that included a lot of rough and ready dwarf women. As I partied it out, Anthy practiced her new song and Miri and Cassie began to study the strange material that we’d been encountering. Whatever it was, it seemed to react negatively to Lesbifrost, and the two would act as counter forces, making the two girls wonder exactly what it was. It was interesting, and it was noted to tell me to be careful around it, but it’d explain why badguys were surrounding themselves with it.
Either way, that was two of the Four Plays down and two to go.
We awoke the next morning to dwarven cakes for breakfast and laid out our map. The next place was almost directly east of here, a town called Gropehold, which was marked oddly enough with some kind of fighting ring on the map. Something told me we were about to enter the tournament arc of this story. And if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s fightin’.
But for now, with the enemies thoroughly humiliated in a most metal fashion, and us greeting a new dawn with some hints about the enemies’ plans, and yet another major boss down, we sat down to yet another big breakfast and began to stuff our faces. Do you know how hungry dwarven work makes you? No wonder they’re always eating strange stuff; this menu was off the charts with stuff like camel steak and butterfly nuggets. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to make those myself. Gotta take what you can get when your work requires this much sweat and effort.
The real cake, however, for me, was one last round with the smith girls before we decided to get ready and go. Gropehold wasn’t far off for a change, but that meant usually whatever was next was a longer threat.
All I know is my glaive needed some serious testing out, and by that I mean bending the girls over and thrusting my own glaive into them over and over. And then actual combat practice.
It’s just a good thing that dwarf juice was so hydrating because I was definitely working up a sweat here.
Does girl cum contain electrolytes? Wait, don’t answer that, I don’t wanna know.
Gay-torade. What’s in you?