Wardancer 3 - NNWM 2k17
Nov. 10th, 2017 12:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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heroicrecordsWordcount: 14277/50000
holy fuck i almost doubled my wordcount in one day
When you’re full of it, you’re full of it, whether it be shit or tacos. Or both. That’s how digestive systems work. Exhausted by the day’s events, fulfilling prophecies, getting hit on way too much, and overeating at dinner, we made our way back to the agency, which was doubling as guild headquarters for now.
“It’s not much, but at least accommodations are free and there’s no curfew or set wake up time. In fact, it’s better if we don’t get up before noon.” Shawn said as he pulled out a bunch of hammocks, pillows, bean bags, and the like. Apparently they’d been saving their meager coin by just lounging it up back at the offices. I’ve had worse.
“As hero, I call bean bag throne behind the pillow fortress.” I declared, immediately going in and slumping into my new throne. It wasn’t much, but it was soft. I unequipped my instruments and set them next to me, only to find my bagpipes letting out an awful squalling noise as I sat beside them. “Oh good gods.”
That at least got a smirk and a snort out of Miri. Katsuragi sauntered over and parked her bean bag next to mine and cast me a wide grin. Had this been any other time or place I’d gladly give in to a long held fantasy, but, not on the bean bags, and not for a free show. Besides, for once, I was legitimately pretty damn exhausted. Being cast from your home and summoned to gods know where to be the legitimate enchanted hero of some land where fiction and reality seem to have no laws and anyone and everyone can and will show up will kind of kill your libido for a day.
“You know, hero, back home all the ladies call me the Queen of the Hooters Harem.” Kat winked at me, expecting that to work even if I wasn’t contemplating early sleep.
“You know, you remind me of something I saw once back in Santa Barbara, there, Red Sonja.” Shawn began.
“I told you, if you can’t pronounce Katsuragi, you can just call me Kat. I know how hard Japanese is for you white people.” You could practically hear her roll her eyes.
“There was this painting on the side of an old seventies van of this one guy we busted once and I’m pretty sure that was either you on the side. Or your mom or something. Either way you two are definitely related.”
“If we weren’t both here to help the hero out and the fact none of the rest of us, except maybe Miri here, can do any direct damage, I’d either kill you, leave, or, I don’t know, eat all the tacos before you could. Then leave.”
“I’m not sure if the incredible invasion of personal space bordering on criminal counts as help.” Gus interjected, doing his best to ignore all of this.
“I almost regret creating an avatar that can hear right now.” sighed Miri, digging in one of her ears and flicking off whatever she found into the distance.
After a bit more bickering and people taking rounds at each other while the rest laughed, we found ourselves drifting off one by one in various states of exhaustion, in various postures on various cushions and hammocks and some levels of the floor and desk. Before we knew it, the alarm was going off, and what do you know, it said it was just a minute past noon. Not before noon, indeed. We all rose, except for Miri, whom was already drinking directly out of the coffee pot.
“Don’t worry, I don’t backwash.” replied the engineer, giving it a second more thought. “Unless you want that.”
“Does this woman not know what a cup is?” asked Gus.
“Honestly? Knowing her and who made her? She’s probably shocked to have more than a cup. I say let her have this one.” I got up, scratching my ass rather publicly. “Hand it over.”
I took it out of Miri’s hands and followed suit, taking a few hot guzzles directly from the pot and dribbling some down my chin. Who said heroes had to have impeccable manners? I then got the amazing idea to pour some on Katsuragi to wake her up as revenge for me having woke up to her hand trying to snake up my kilt.
I was just inches away from doing the deed when…
WHAM WHAM WHAM
Someone was, well, not knocking but pounding on our door, making me, Gus, and Miri freeze, waking up Blonde Sonja, er, Katsuragi and Shawn, whose hair somehow stayed as is in his sleep.
“W-Who is it? Come back after breakfast, the spirits require calories.” Shawn said groggily.
“YOU’VE BEEN SERVED, BOY! WE KNOW YOU GOT THE HERO IN THERE! GIVE THEM THIS!” A mysterious male voice boomed as a note was slipped under the door. “IF YOU DON’T COMPLY THEN WE KNOW YOU AIN’T THE REAL DEAL. THAT TITLE’S GOOD AS OURS!”
“The fuck?” I walked over and opened the door. Nothing. Nobody in sight. Just the note on the floor. I picked it up and, well, whomever made this definitely needed better penmanship. At least send a ransom note next time, those are at least hilarious to look at.
“Whaaa? What’s going on? Who’s a boy?” Katsuragi grogged to, sounding insulted, as if that was directed at her. “I’d think my rack would--”
“Hush, I’m reading.”
The note read as follows. Spelling errors were entirely theirs.
TO THA SO-CALLED “LEGENDARY” HERO
WE HEARD U WUZ COMIN ABOUT ADOCH. WELL, BOY, WE DUN LIKE GUYZ LIKE U COMIN INTO OUR TERRITORY AN TRYIN TA EDGE US OUT. WE R DA RIGHTEOUS BOY BAND OF TAIYR CONCERT HALL DOWN DA ROAD A DAY FROM ADOCH. DAT TITLE OF URS WUZ RIGHTFULLY OURS TIL YOUR PRETTY BOY FACE CAME TO OUR TURF. Y DON’T U ASSEMBLE A CREW OF DA FINEST BOYZ OF ADOCH N COME TO TAIYR IN TWO DAYZ TIME AND HAVE A BATTLE OF THE BANDZ? WINNER GETS TO BE DA HERO AND GETS THE OTHER BOYZ’ NUMBAH ONE GROUPIE. THO KNOWIN HOW DA MEN OF ADOCH LOOK WE WISH U ALL DA LUCK BCUZ LOL U WILL NED IT BOY!
IF U DON’T SHOW DEN WE KNOW U RLY NOT DA HERO NEWAYS! HAHAHAHA!
SIGNED,
HOTTER THAN HEKK
You ever read something so physically painful that you go temporarily blind? Yeah, that challenge letter’s spelling was so godawful, I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to speak, let alone write, myself for a few minutes’ time, lest it all come back out like an infection. But they clearly didn’t get the memo that the legendary hero was a woman.
“Well, we got a few...interesting problems to say the least.” I said, mostly bemused. “The least of it is a complete disregard for the English language and how spelling and grammar work.”
“Pff, English has never worked.” snorted Katsuragi.
“What’s going on? Out with it.” Miri commanded.
“Well, besides that, we’ve been issued a challenge from...some group named Hotter Than Hekk, spelled with two Ks for some reason, from a place called Taiyr Concert Hall?” I half said, half asked.
“Yeah, places around here aren’t really considered towns, moreso concert halls with towns built around them. Taiyr is east of Adoch and it’s hall by about a day.” Gus said. “I’ve been looking into it since we arrived and guilds here tend to also act as bands and instead of dueling or warring, they go one on one with songs to determine who wins a fight. Melodia, as its name would imply, is big on music culture. That’d be why you, the hero, are some magic battle bard in a ridiculous getup. Here, that’s actually considered pretty rockstar of you.”
“Too bad back at home it’d be more medieval rockstar. Then again, you mentioned the Bay Area or something. You could probably wear that daily in San Francisco and not get second looks.” Shawn laughed. “...Actually, that’d be pretty true about Santa Barbara, too.”
“Oh, a California girl, are you?” Kat grinned. “I hear all kinds of crazy things about what you girls are into up by this San Francisco place. Believe me, I’ve heard things all the way out in Japan. Sounds like a right enchanting place for a couple of us, you know, on the softer side of things. Wanna take me there, if we ever get out of this place? I’m sure you can tour me and I’ll pay you in--”
Miri slapped Katsuragi in the back of the head.
“Oh, right. Isn’t this your fiancee’s character? Okay, yeah, forgot about that.” Kat sighed, almost as if you could hear her heart break. “...She can come too, why not make it a three--”
Another slap. “Fine, but I call sloppy seconds after your girl works her magic.”
“Does anyone in this office like men?” Shawn asked.
“Need I remind you of you and your mancrush on Val Kilmer?” Gus shot back.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t count because it’s Val Kilmer.”
“Okay, then, what about all the times you’ve noticed how sharp Lassiter’s looking today?”
“Yeah, but that’s Lassie. Nobody should look that freshly pressed and ironed so perfectly every day. It’s inhuman, really.”
“Also why do you even care when Jules is back at home?”
“I was just curious! Hey, at least it means we all can get along and agree on the fact that women are pretty great. And hey, maybe one of these three lovely ladies here can wingman for you, Gus. You haven’t had a date in how long? And I have it on authority lesbians have great taste in women.”
“And how would you know that?”
“The spirits. And the fact that they like women.”
I snorted, but managed to remember we had a job at hand. “Okay, thank you, you two, for reassuring me that this journey at least will not be boring. And thank you, Gus, for the information. This whole heroic bard thing makes a little bit more sense now. But okay, there is one major, glaring problem here.”
I sighed heavily before continuing. “Hotter Than Hekk didn’t get the memo that the legendary hero is a woman. They think I’m a guy and want me to form a rival boy band with Adoch’s ‘finest’ which they believe do not exist and have a sing-off with them in two days’ time. Which means, really, we not only need to come up with a song by tomorrow, we need to, well…
...We need to make me a ‘he’ until at least the point we’re declared the winners. Then, we can do some big hilarious reveal that they got beat out by a girl and we can all go home and have a laugh about it later. I’m sure it’ll look good to their fangirls. Speaking of, for the price of victory, they want my title and our number one groupie.”
“...Oh my god. Look, I know you’re not THAT well endowed, at least that heroic outfit of yours isn’t doing your body any favors, but how could they not tell?” Kat stared in complete disbelief.
“Haha, you think so too, huh? We agree on something, then, she-wolf.” Miri snickered. “I love her and all but she’s always been pretty tiny and squeaky.”
“I’m gonna sell you two off as the groupies here in about 5 seconds if you don’t knock it the fuck off.” I snarled. I wasn’t the biggest chest in the game, no, but it’s what beats inside of it that counts, and I definitely more than made up with that with spirit.
“Well, uh, with the way I’m built and dressed, no way can we disguise me, as well.” Kat crossed her arms and sighed. “Shit, look, see I go and make fun of you but you can get away with this plan. I can’t.”
“You sure can, manager.” Shawn piped up. “Look, clearly, Gus and I are gonna have to back the hero up on this and be a trio. It’s all we got. But doesn’t every famous group need a tough as nails manager that keeps us on our A game and getting gigs and making sure the staff at concert halls get us our every single ridiculous request, like a bowl of only the green M+Ms? You look like a green M+M procuring kind of woman.”
“You really think so?” Kat perked up. She did like the idea of being the guild’s temporary leader. She could scream at anyone she wanted to at the concert hall and throw around folders and paperwork and wrestle paparazzi to the ground. “Only if I get to wear aviator sunglasses.”
“I got a photo of my girlfriend back at home, Jules, she’s a cop, I think you’d be able to pull off her pantsuit pretty dang effectively.” Shawn propped up a few photos on his desk. “Let’s get to work.”
“A cop? Oh, I’ll cop something, but we also got to get to work. The sooner we win, the sooner we get a groupie and the sooner we get Atma on her way to grinding rep.”
Miri stood against the wall, hrming a bit until a bulb went on above her head. “I got the technology enough to at least fake being your guys’ camerman. After all, anything you do out there might make a good shot for a future music video. And it’ll make these Hotter Than Hekk guys, well, hot under the collar. They’ll be a lot more self-conscious for sure and more likely to flub this.”
“That settles it, then. Where does one go around Adoch to turn a lovely lady hero like me into a teen heartthrob?” I asked.
“They don’t do armories in Melodia; everything is costuming. The costume and prop stores aren’t too far from here. And good point on the music video, those are used in guild, or band, recruiting heavily around here.” added Gus.
“Then we waste no time. Let’s go pick our outfits and start thinking of a poppy ballad that’ll get wedged in your ears for days and a name that the ladies, and probably a few of the guys, will be screaming the name of until their throats bleed.”
I picked up my instruments and put my biwa on my back, pipes in hand, and began to play as we marched out the door as a merry band of elves down the road and around Adoch, finding them as natural for me to play beautifully so as I did the biwa. I’m Scottish as hell, and of course by genetics find a well played set of pipes to be incredibly moving to listen to, and will cry every time they’re used at a funeral. But this? This was a jaunty tune. This was almost a drunken revelry, and I began to stomp and march as pipers did and encouraged my new friends to dance however they saw fit, noticing as we moved through that all eyes in the city were now on us. Some stared in awe, some danced with us a distance, some clapped, some merely whispered things like ‘It’s the hero herself...’ and ‘Melodia be blessed’, but all smiled.
So this is what it’s like to be a hero. A hero is when kids tug on their mother’s aprons and point excitedly at you going ‘Look, mom, it’s the hero! Listen!’ and ‘That’s the sound of freedom.’ A hero leads and people follow. You see grown men cry at the idea of being liberated. You see guards salute just because you walked by. The sky is blue and a rainbow appears. And of course, someone has to be completely plastered and falling on their ass dancing said ass off to your tune. Somehow, the man didn’t spill his ale. I almost wanted to recruit him. That takes real talent. However, I wasn’t quite sure how your job class be “Hold My Beer” would help us, so I let him be.
We got to the costuming store and entered and, well, I can definitely see why these people start you off in Adoch. A castle town/concert hall’s got some pretty serious costuming going on. And to top it off, not a single item had a weird gender lock on it anywhere, unlike most games. The place itself was made of incredibly polished wood and a rather large woman in every sense of the word sat at the main desk in the back middle of the place, fanning herself, in an incredible wig and makeup larger than she was. Colors and materials of all kinds spun off the clothes in every direction. Stuff that looked even more antiquated than the garb I had on was on one end with things that wouldn’t look out of place in modern times back home went to another with everything in between. Any accessory or piece of jewelry you could name was also lining the walls and stands.
It was a place of utter fashionable majesty. I walked to the lady and spoke to her. “Ma’am, good day, my name’s Atma and this is my merry band. We’re here because---”
“Oh, the hero herself is gracing me, little ol’ Jaclyn Rose, with her presence? I can nary believe it! Oh, my stars and garters!” She almost swooned right there. Her voice was deep and smoky. Everything about her was seeped in a flair for the dramatic. I wondered just how long she’d been acting; when you act like that and run a place as extensive and full as this all dedicated to the act of putting on an act, there’s only one place you can come from and that’s the theatre itself.
“Er, well, yes. A rival band over in Taiyr has challenged us to a battle of the bands, and well, keep this on the down low, but I need to disguise myself as a man and lead my two guy pals here as a trio against them.” I put an arm around each of Shawn and Gus’ shoulders and pulled them in, posing seriously with them as if to legitimize our cause to her. “I mean, look at us, with the right outfit, we could be collecting the hearts of all the teen girls and probably some creepy middle aged moms and, gods willing, the gay male population within the first verse, right?”
“Oh ho ho, what a cause, what a cause! You’re the real deal, honey. It was said that the Wardancer could change genres at will and pull off most any outfit needed. So you and your bald friend here, I can definitely expect you to nail it. The scruffy one though to your right? He’s gonna need some work. However, if you give me a minute, I think we can put together something magnificent.” The owner fluttered her eyelashes at us and pulled some paper and a feather pen from behind the register. “You’re just lucky I’m also a designer.”
“S-Scruffy? Come on, I’ll have you know back home, the ladies love this, as does Val Kilmer. I even have a girlfriend!” Shawn protested.
“Sure you do, honey. Tell me, you guys got a name yet? Perhaps I can come up with something fitting your bodies a bit better if you give me your name.”
“W-We’re uh….Gus, help me out here!”
“Um...Well you see, we hadn’t thought about that yet. Why don’t we let our intrepid hero here name us? After all it’s she, well, he for the next day or two, leading us into this and hopefully to victory.” Gus panicked a bit, tossing the ball to me instead of back to Shawn. Of course. Make me do all the hard work you two.
If they were going to be like this then I was going to give our trio the most ridiculous name possible.
“Sex Cavalry.” It was the first two words that popped in my head. I even added my biggest, most wide, most shit-eating grin possible. They were stuck now. “That’s what my partners here get for shirking responsibility. It’s at least better than Hotter Than Hekk.”
“A bold choice. I’ll be glad to put the Jaclyn Rose name on this.” The owner laughed. “I think I got it. Why don’t you two help your lady friends with their costumes while I sketch this up? It shouldn’t take but a minute.”
I thanked her profusely and walked to where Katsuragi and Miri stood cracking up.
“SEX CAVALRY?” Shawn shouted. “Good god, woman. This is giving me some seriously uncomfortable imagery. That sounds more like a band that Red Sonja over here would create. And then probably sleep with.”
“Hey! I resemble that remark.” Kat burst out laughing again. “Oh man. I can’t wait to see what she comes up with. In the meantime, you owe me a pantsuit like your girlfriend. Show me that photo again.”
“Why, so you can size her up? I don’t think so, Red Sonja.”
“Well, uh, in this case don’t we kind of have to guess and make adjustments to the, ah, chest area?”
“...I hadn’t thought of that.”
“I thought you were psychic or something?”
“The spirits haven’t eaten yet and they need calories to work, remember? Give it til after lunch. We’ll go hit Taco Tuesday after this fitting for….Sex Cavalry. I still can’t believe that.”
“Oh, you better believe it.” Gus grinned for the first time I think since I met him.
“Oh please don’t tell me you actually like that name?”
“Hey, a brother’s gotta take what he’s gotta take and make it work for his brand, doesn’t he?”
“Dude’s got a point.” I said pointedly. “Let’s go make Miri into a reliable reporter and camerawoman, Gus. We can leave the Wonderful Pantsuit Duo to their duty over here.”
“You got it, hero.”
With that, we walked off and began to size up Miri for what would be a vest with cargo shorts and a long sleeved shirt, all with so so many pockets, and a backwards cap. Gloves and boots were a must for this kind of outfit, as well as her own pair of reflected sunglasses. She had to look a little bit AV and a little bit campy or this just wasn’t going to pan out for us. We even taped a little bandage across her nose. She could keep the dirt/oil look; it made her look like she actually works. We handed her a prop camera and had her pose in the mirror a bit. The only change she made was she scrunched her socks down.
“Not bad. I could pass for a local area news station’s tech crew at this point, but only if I said I just got out of college.” Miri gave a thumbs up and put the coin enough for the whole ensemble, fake camera and all, on the counter. “Thanks, Ma’am.”
Gus, Miri, and I then went to check on Katsuragi and Shawn, whom claimed that ‘Red Sonja’ had insisted, of course, on picking some trashy bra that she could unbutton the top of her blouse under her pantsuit enough to show off, because otherwise she claimed it was cutting off her oxygen. When she came out of the dressing room, she was in the familiar whites and blues I usually saw her wear, a pair of just slightly oversized aviator shades on, adjusting them sharply with her left hand as she tossed around a prop portfolio in her right.
“I WANT ANSWERS! STOP STARING AT MY BOYS; THEY WORK HARD AND DESERVE SOME PRIVACY! TAKE A PICTURE, IT’LL LAST LONGER!” Kat shouted, getting in character. “How am I doing?”
“You...” Shawn tried to find the right words.
“She sounds like the chief, Shawn.” Gus found the words first.
“THAT’S who she reminds me of! Only about twenty years younger. And a lesbian. Actually, how’s that going to work being a boy band manager?”
“Oh, that’s easy.” Kat dismissed their concerns with ease. “We’ll say I’m sleeping with the camerawoman. That and this way your fangirls will know for sure you all are safe and not having an affair with management.”
“Please, only if I’m on top.” Miri didn’t even look at her, fiddling with her fake camera’s lens.
Katsuragi paid for her outfit and props as well, sitting back and kicking up her feet, revealing she had bought a pair of heels in the same color scheme as her famous greaves. With that, she opened her prop portfolio and revealed it to be filled with nothing but classy looking centerfolds, much like those you’d find in the windows of fighter planes back in the war. “Heh, these were already in there. That’s why I picked this folder. We can just say they’re for another band I’m managing after this concert’s done.”
“Of course...” Honestly, I expected worse to be in there.
“Oh, honey! Your designs are ready!” Jaclyn called us three ‘guys’ up and wasted no time in displaying what we’d have on in two days’ time.
None of us could believe what we saw.
“The Three Musketeers?!” All three of us said at the same time, appropriately enough.
“It made sense to me, honey. Boy bands want to be cute and dashing and well, it sort of fits the name. All your hero is going to need is a chest binder and to brush her hair from the side instead of down the middle and y’all think her a young enough guy.” Jaclyn fanned herself. “I got the parts for the outfits now if you want. I don’t think you got much choice anyways with such short notice.”
“...We’ll take it.” I plunked down the money, with plentiful tip I earned singing that stupid commercial jingle.
Jaclyn fanned herself and pretended to swoon again, going into the back and pulling out the costume parts, including what I’d need to make myself at least androgynous enough to pass. The three of us sighed and each entered a dressing room since if Katsuragi and Miri were willing enough to embarrass themselves in their new outfits, we owed it to them for helping us out.
“On the count of three, we show them...”
And with that, we left the dressing rooms and out came, well three very, very ashamed musketeers, prop rapiers and large plumed caps and all. I thought my regular outfit was bad.
“Okay, get it out, do I look like a guy enough?” I asked.
“Well, I currently don’t want to have sex with you anymore, so I guess it works.” Kat dismissed, arms crossed, looking kind of sad.
“Works for me. Now let’s get changed, take these back, grab some lunch, and get working on a song that fits our theme.”
Shawn and Gus couldn’t agree more and we packed our costumes and got on the road, dropping everything off at the office before heading over to yet another Taco Tuesday. The rest of that day was spent on writing the lyrics to our song with much colorful commentary and derisive laughter coming from the other girls, and then the next day was rehearsal. Shawn wanted to be the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks, but so did I, and we fought so hard that Katsuragi intervened as manager and deemed it to be Gus, since you never suspect the ‘nice’ ones. She then made Shawn be the nerdy one and me the jock. Because.
Finally, the day of the big duel was here, and after breakfast and making sure we were packed, we began the walk to Taiyr, and if we kept good pace, we’d be there near sundown. At night, when the pyrotechnics could be seen best, we’d fight. Just outside concert hall limits is where we stopped and took turns hiding behind a tree to get changed into our costumes, making extra sure mine was right, lest the ruse fall and we be given away as being lead by a woman, albeit a charming one.
A guard at the entrance lead us to the backstage staging area where we were met face to face for the first time with Hotter Than Hekk. A group of four young guys dressed as fire mages in robes not conducive to combat, but definitely to making teen girls’ dreams come true. They took one look at us and cracked up.
“Oh, so the hero could only muster up two guys for his group? That’s sad. But that’s Adoch men for you. You ready to get your butts kicked? And did you bring the groupie?” Their lead singer mocked.
I tapped into my skills as the Wardancer and was able to alter my speaking and singing voices just enough to make them unable to detect my true gender and proceeded to lie out of my ass. “Uh, yeah dude, she’s in the audience though. We’re not showing the goods ahead of time, in case you lose and try to take her anyways. That ain’t how the hero operates; I never let a girl risk danger if I can help it.”
“Oh, what a goody goody you are, huh, hero?” They all laughed. “So what’s your name, anyways? And do you really think three can beat four? You’re one man short.”
“We’re Sex Cavalry, and this is our camerawoman and manager. I wouldn’t mess with either of them neither, if I were you.” I confidently said.
“Why? They your girlfriends or something?”
“No, but they’re girlfriends, and if you got a problem with that, well, then prove it on stage, if you’re even half the men you’re claiming to be right now. Or are you going to need four more of you half-men to bring you up to the group you’re claiming to be now?”
“Oh, she’s--” Shawn began when Gus elbowed him in the ribs quickly.
“---He. He’s good.”
“Alright, you little asshole, you’re going down!”
Hotter Than Hekk went first. They played their smash hit, You Ignite My Life, off their debut album, The Floor In My Bedroom Is Lava, and, well, not being a heterosexual teenage girl, I can’t tell you if it was good or interesting, but it most definitely was a song sung by people in a band. I guess. The crowd definitely loved it, though. But I’m the motherfucking Wardancer and I was about to prove that even in a genre my gender shouldn’t be singing in, I was going to shine hotter than they themed their whole act around.
But then that meant it was our turn. Katsuragi shoved the announcer out of the way, wanting a chance to introduce her group and ham it up and excite them, placing Miri to the side to “film” this as she pulled her sunglasses down just a couple inches, giving a wide, toothy grin and twirling the mic around a bit.
“Woo! Good evening, Taiyr, and all you lovely ladies and a few gents out there, you ready for the freshest, suavest, coolest, most chivalrous act this side of the concert hall? I guarantee you you ain’t seen nothing like these boys; because unlike the boys you just saw perform, these ones are men. We’ve raised them to set the bar higher. I’m their manager and producer and all around the maker of their demands, the name’s Kat and hey if any of you ladies out there would prefer me instead, please see me after the show, we have much to discuss, and as the maker of their demands, I demand you put your hands together…..”
Kat stomped, signaling Miri to click her shutter, which activated a sudden rain of pyrotechnics behind her and confetti from the sky. The two had rigged the stage to do this using Miri’s knowledge and the contraband she smuggled in her fake camera as to create maximum hype.
“...FOR SEX CAVALRY!”
The two girls ducked out of the way as three spotlights appeared on stage. The three of us ‘men’ spoke not a word, knowing nothing could save us now but putting on the show that would define our careers as heartthrobs. As soon as the smoke from the fireworks subsided, we were there, doing the classic pose with our swords up in the air, crossed. And at once we spoke the famous words.
“All for one, and one for all!” With swords now freely in one hand, we picked up our mics in the other, and began doing our thing.
Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only time you will ever hear me, Atma Weapon, sing a boy band ballad. This was our one and only hit single: Chivalry Isn’t Dead
“Legends always tell me a damsel in need
Is a damsel indeed
But I’d rather a damsel shining and true
Oh baby, you’re the one, that damsel is you
So long as we’re around, chivalry will never die
Because a damsel like you deserves a special guy
One that will protect you from whatever knave does dare
Oh baby, you’re the one, no other can compare
With sword in our hands and our rapier wits
In our heart of hearts, we know that you are it
Deserving of a man as shining and true
Oh baby, you’re the one, I’ll be the brave for you
So long as we’re around, chivalry will never die
Because a damsel like you deserves a special guy
One that will protect you from whatever knave does dare
Oh baby, you’re the one, no other can compare
Through poem and through song we offer up our hearts
In thy name in battle is why we do take part
What other men you know would do it all for thee?
Oh baby, you’re the one, the only one for me
So long as we’re around, chivalry will never die
Because a damsel like you deserves a special guy
One that will protect you from whatever knave does dare
Oh baby, you’re the one, no other can compare
Our hearts belonged to you the second that we met
Our love for you every day does stronger grow yet
Once upon a time begins for us hereafter
Oh baby, you’re the one, my happily ever after
So long as we’re around, chivalry will never die
Because a damsel like you deserves a special guy
One that will protect you from whatever knave does dare
Oh baby, you’re the one, no other can compare
So long as we’re around….
Then chivalry…
Will never…
Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
Mic. Drop.
With that drop, Miri clicked her camera again and let loose her second round of explosives and confetti, the three of us guys on stage posing and catching our breath in huge sweeping heaves. As long as I live, I pray, never make me sing that again.
But it paid off, and it paid off big time. Not only did we get the standing ovation the other guys did, but girls tried to swarm the stage and take us away. Hotter Than Hekk, the poor bastards, utterly defeated, began to try to run away. That’s when we knew to have Miri throw the camera into the crowd, creating a huge waft of smoke, so we could make it backstage and after those chumps. The proper concert hall announcer could be heard in the distance clearly declaring us the winner and let it be put on record officially, with a mark that Hotter Than Hekk tried to run afterwards.
We caught up with them, and in the ensuing chaos, I had lost my hat, my hair was windswept back to its normal look, and I had forgot to keep my magic running that kept my voice changed. We blocked them off at the pass and I tried to go back to being the cocky bastard I was before the show.
Only now, I sounded more like a cocky bitch.
“So, sore losers, huh? Don’t you owe us that groupie? Where is she, hmm?” It took a few seconds but everyone looked at me until I realized.
Oops.
“What? WHAT? The lead singer of Sex Cavalry’s a woman? This so called hero’s a woman? So what’s this make you for sneaking in and singing about love to a bunch of teen girls, some kind of lesbo creep?” The lead singer looked like he wanted to shit a brick.
“Yes, yes. And especially yes. Does it matter? It’s on record we won and that you tried to run after. You’re through in Taiyr. Now keep your end of the bargain, or am I going to have to get my manager?”
“The fuck’s a manager going to do?” Before he could go further, a roundhouse kick flew right into and across the singer’s jaw, knocking a few of his teeth out. Kat stood in a basic kung fu stance, glasses and pantsuit still on, grinning.
“THAT’S what a manager’s gonna do. Now, hand over the groupie before the rest of you get an attitude adjustment. And by that I mean I break your face.” Kat laughed as we got our first display of her combat powers.
“It’s just one dyke, get her, boys!” The lead singer commanded as the other three came at her at once, from different directions.
Kat just snapped back down into position and pointed her left finger forward defiantly. “Fine, come all at once! Come head on! I’ll destroy every last one of yous!”
She then propped herself up on her hands and began to breakdance and twirl right there, summoning an all too familiar green tornado to me and sending all three of them flying and crashing hard on their backs, utterly defeated. In one effortless push, Kat jumped back up in a backflip, and onto her feet.
“All in heels...Dude, when we get back home, you’ve got to come visit and teach Jules how to do that.” Shawn at least had his priorities right.
“Okay, maybe I was wrong. Blondie can stay, even if she dresses like one of your old tabletop characters.” Gus added.
“I’ll consider it.” Kat grinned. “Glad you hired me now though, huh? Told you you needed a fighter.”
Miri said nothing and proceeded to loot the singers, pocketing a healthy amount of coin, adding to what we’d get when we returned on stage for our victory speech. I’m just so glad now that my girl had taught her how to do that and know how to help keep us alive. Or at least pay our taco tab.
“S-she’ll be in the front row, seat 2B!” The lead singer pissed himself in fright at having been bested on stage and in combat, passing out immediately after.
We returned triumphantly and gave a hell of a speech. None of the girls in the audience even minded that I was a woman after all. Hell, some of them seem even more excited after learning that. We got our gold and our reputation all went up, and it was entered in record that Taiyr was now Wardancer territory. We gave one last bow and went to find this groupie to take back.
What we found appeared to be a girl nose deep in a book.
“Yo, you the Hotter Than Hekk groupie we’re taking home? Hi, we’re Sex Cavalry, but only for the rest of the night. May as well retire this act with a perfect record, right boys?” I laughed.
“Huh? Oh. Yeah. I wasn’t listening. So you won, huh?” The girl replied.
“You read through all this noise? I’m impressed. What’s your name and job class? I’m Atma, the legendary hero, the Wardancer.”
“Syl. Lazy Librarian. Nice to meet you.”
I stopped in my tracks. Hey, I knew her. She’s fiancee to one of my good friends. So she’s here too. I had to wonder if my other friend was. I wonder if any of my other friends were at all. You never know, after all, Koshka sent Miri as an envoy. Anything here’s possible, it seems.
“Well, Syl, it’s been a long day, what’s say we crash here in town for the night and we’ll take you back home to our guild in Adoch in the morning? Adoch’s got Taco Tuesday every day.”
We all laughed and grabbed our bags, giving one last bow to the audience and making our way to wherever the nearest tavern was for food, food, food, and sleep. We figured when we got back to Adoch we’d change out of these getups and retire Sex Cavalry.
But for tonight, at least, chivalry wasn’t dead.
holy fuck i almost doubled my wordcount in one day
When you’re full of it, you’re full of it, whether it be shit or tacos. Or both. That’s how digestive systems work. Exhausted by the day’s events, fulfilling prophecies, getting hit on way too much, and overeating at dinner, we made our way back to the agency, which was doubling as guild headquarters for now.
“It’s not much, but at least accommodations are free and there’s no curfew or set wake up time. In fact, it’s better if we don’t get up before noon.” Shawn said as he pulled out a bunch of hammocks, pillows, bean bags, and the like. Apparently they’d been saving their meager coin by just lounging it up back at the offices. I’ve had worse.
“As hero, I call bean bag throne behind the pillow fortress.” I declared, immediately going in and slumping into my new throne. It wasn’t much, but it was soft. I unequipped my instruments and set them next to me, only to find my bagpipes letting out an awful squalling noise as I sat beside them. “Oh good gods.”
That at least got a smirk and a snort out of Miri. Katsuragi sauntered over and parked her bean bag next to mine and cast me a wide grin. Had this been any other time or place I’d gladly give in to a long held fantasy, but, not on the bean bags, and not for a free show. Besides, for once, I was legitimately pretty damn exhausted. Being cast from your home and summoned to gods know where to be the legitimate enchanted hero of some land where fiction and reality seem to have no laws and anyone and everyone can and will show up will kind of kill your libido for a day.
“You know, hero, back home all the ladies call me the Queen of the Hooters Harem.” Kat winked at me, expecting that to work even if I wasn’t contemplating early sleep.
“You know, you remind me of something I saw once back in Santa Barbara, there, Red Sonja.” Shawn began.
“I told you, if you can’t pronounce Katsuragi, you can just call me Kat. I know how hard Japanese is for you white people.” You could practically hear her roll her eyes.
“There was this painting on the side of an old seventies van of this one guy we busted once and I’m pretty sure that was either you on the side. Or your mom or something. Either way you two are definitely related.”
“If we weren’t both here to help the hero out and the fact none of the rest of us, except maybe Miri here, can do any direct damage, I’d either kill you, leave, or, I don’t know, eat all the tacos before you could. Then leave.”
“I’m not sure if the incredible invasion of personal space bordering on criminal counts as help.” Gus interjected, doing his best to ignore all of this.
“I almost regret creating an avatar that can hear right now.” sighed Miri, digging in one of her ears and flicking off whatever she found into the distance.
After a bit more bickering and people taking rounds at each other while the rest laughed, we found ourselves drifting off one by one in various states of exhaustion, in various postures on various cushions and hammocks and some levels of the floor and desk. Before we knew it, the alarm was going off, and what do you know, it said it was just a minute past noon. Not before noon, indeed. We all rose, except for Miri, whom was already drinking directly out of the coffee pot.
“Don’t worry, I don’t backwash.” replied the engineer, giving it a second more thought. “Unless you want that.”
“Does this woman not know what a cup is?” asked Gus.
“Honestly? Knowing her and who made her? She’s probably shocked to have more than a cup. I say let her have this one.” I got up, scratching my ass rather publicly. “Hand it over.”
I took it out of Miri’s hands and followed suit, taking a few hot guzzles directly from the pot and dribbling some down my chin. Who said heroes had to have impeccable manners? I then got the amazing idea to pour some on Katsuragi to wake her up as revenge for me having woke up to her hand trying to snake up my kilt.
I was just inches away from doing the deed when…
WHAM WHAM WHAM
Someone was, well, not knocking but pounding on our door, making me, Gus, and Miri freeze, waking up Blonde Sonja, er, Katsuragi and Shawn, whose hair somehow stayed as is in his sleep.
“W-Who is it? Come back after breakfast, the spirits require calories.” Shawn said groggily.
“YOU’VE BEEN SERVED, BOY! WE KNOW YOU GOT THE HERO IN THERE! GIVE THEM THIS!” A mysterious male voice boomed as a note was slipped under the door. “IF YOU DON’T COMPLY THEN WE KNOW YOU AIN’T THE REAL DEAL. THAT TITLE’S GOOD AS OURS!”
“The fuck?” I walked over and opened the door. Nothing. Nobody in sight. Just the note on the floor. I picked it up and, well, whomever made this definitely needed better penmanship. At least send a ransom note next time, those are at least hilarious to look at.
“Whaaa? What’s going on? Who’s a boy?” Katsuragi grogged to, sounding insulted, as if that was directed at her. “I’d think my rack would--”
“Hush, I’m reading.”
The note read as follows. Spelling errors were entirely theirs.
TO THA SO-CALLED “LEGENDARY” HERO
WE HEARD U WUZ COMIN ABOUT ADOCH. WELL, BOY, WE DUN LIKE GUYZ LIKE U COMIN INTO OUR TERRITORY AN TRYIN TA EDGE US OUT. WE R DA RIGHTEOUS BOY BAND OF TAIYR CONCERT HALL DOWN DA ROAD A DAY FROM ADOCH. DAT TITLE OF URS WUZ RIGHTFULLY OURS TIL YOUR PRETTY BOY FACE CAME TO OUR TURF. Y DON’T U ASSEMBLE A CREW OF DA FINEST BOYZ OF ADOCH N COME TO TAIYR IN TWO DAYZ TIME AND HAVE A BATTLE OF THE BANDZ? WINNER GETS TO BE DA HERO AND GETS THE OTHER BOYZ’ NUMBAH ONE GROUPIE. THO KNOWIN HOW DA MEN OF ADOCH LOOK WE WISH U ALL DA LUCK BCUZ LOL U WILL NED IT BOY!
IF U DON’T SHOW DEN WE KNOW U RLY NOT DA HERO NEWAYS! HAHAHAHA!
SIGNED,
HOTTER THAN HEKK
You ever read something so physically painful that you go temporarily blind? Yeah, that challenge letter’s spelling was so godawful, I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to speak, let alone write, myself for a few minutes’ time, lest it all come back out like an infection. But they clearly didn’t get the memo that the legendary hero was a woman.
“Well, we got a few...interesting problems to say the least.” I said, mostly bemused. “The least of it is a complete disregard for the English language and how spelling and grammar work.”
“Pff, English has never worked.” snorted Katsuragi.
“What’s going on? Out with it.” Miri commanded.
“Well, besides that, we’ve been issued a challenge from...some group named Hotter Than Hekk, spelled with two Ks for some reason, from a place called Taiyr Concert Hall?” I half said, half asked.
“Yeah, places around here aren’t really considered towns, moreso concert halls with towns built around them. Taiyr is east of Adoch and it’s hall by about a day.” Gus said. “I’ve been looking into it since we arrived and guilds here tend to also act as bands and instead of dueling or warring, they go one on one with songs to determine who wins a fight. Melodia, as its name would imply, is big on music culture. That’d be why you, the hero, are some magic battle bard in a ridiculous getup. Here, that’s actually considered pretty rockstar of you.”
“Too bad back at home it’d be more medieval rockstar. Then again, you mentioned the Bay Area or something. You could probably wear that daily in San Francisco and not get second looks.” Shawn laughed. “...Actually, that’d be pretty true about Santa Barbara, too.”
“Oh, a California girl, are you?” Kat grinned. “I hear all kinds of crazy things about what you girls are into up by this San Francisco place. Believe me, I’ve heard things all the way out in Japan. Sounds like a right enchanting place for a couple of us, you know, on the softer side of things. Wanna take me there, if we ever get out of this place? I’m sure you can tour me and I’ll pay you in--”
Miri slapped Katsuragi in the back of the head.
“Oh, right. Isn’t this your fiancee’s character? Okay, yeah, forgot about that.” Kat sighed, almost as if you could hear her heart break. “...She can come too, why not make it a three--”
Another slap. “Fine, but I call sloppy seconds after your girl works her magic.”
“Does anyone in this office like men?” Shawn asked.
“Need I remind you of you and your mancrush on Val Kilmer?” Gus shot back.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t count because it’s Val Kilmer.”
“Okay, then, what about all the times you’ve noticed how sharp Lassiter’s looking today?”
“Yeah, but that’s Lassie. Nobody should look that freshly pressed and ironed so perfectly every day. It’s inhuman, really.”
“Also why do you even care when Jules is back at home?”
“I was just curious! Hey, at least it means we all can get along and agree on the fact that women are pretty great. And hey, maybe one of these three lovely ladies here can wingman for you, Gus. You haven’t had a date in how long? And I have it on authority lesbians have great taste in women.”
“And how would you know that?”
“The spirits. And the fact that they like women.”
I snorted, but managed to remember we had a job at hand. “Okay, thank you, you two, for reassuring me that this journey at least will not be boring. And thank you, Gus, for the information. This whole heroic bard thing makes a little bit more sense now. But okay, there is one major, glaring problem here.”
I sighed heavily before continuing. “Hotter Than Hekk didn’t get the memo that the legendary hero is a woman. They think I’m a guy and want me to form a rival boy band with Adoch’s ‘finest’ which they believe do not exist and have a sing-off with them in two days’ time. Which means, really, we not only need to come up with a song by tomorrow, we need to, well…
...We need to make me a ‘he’ until at least the point we’re declared the winners. Then, we can do some big hilarious reveal that they got beat out by a girl and we can all go home and have a laugh about it later. I’m sure it’ll look good to their fangirls. Speaking of, for the price of victory, they want my title and our number one groupie.”
“...Oh my god. Look, I know you’re not THAT well endowed, at least that heroic outfit of yours isn’t doing your body any favors, but how could they not tell?” Kat stared in complete disbelief.
“Haha, you think so too, huh? We agree on something, then, she-wolf.” Miri snickered. “I love her and all but she’s always been pretty tiny and squeaky.”
“I’m gonna sell you two off as the groupies here in about 5 seconds if you don’t knock it the fuck off.” I snarled. I wasn’t the biggest chest in the game, no, but it’s what beats inside of it that counts, and I definitely more than made up with that with spirit.
“Well, uh, with the way I’m built and dressed, no way can we disguise me, as well.” Kat crossed her arms and sighed. “Shit, look, see I go and make fun of you but you can get away with this plan. I can’t.”
“You sure can, manager.” Shawn piped up. “Look, clearly, Gus and I are gonna have to back the hero up on this and be a trio. It’s all we got. But doesn’t every famous group need a tough as nails manager that keeps us on our A game and getting gigs and making sure the staff at concert halls get us our every single ridiculous request, like a bowl of only the green M+Ms? You look like a green M+M procuring kind of woman.”
“You really think so?” Kat perked up. She did like the idea of being the guild’s temporary leader. She could scream at anyone she wanted to at the concert hall and throw around folders and paperwork and wrestle paparazzi to the ground. “Only if I get to wear aviator sunglasses.”
“I got a photo of my girlfriend back at home, Jules, she’s a cop, I think you’d be able to pull off her pantsuit pretty dang effectively.” Shawn propped up a few photos on his desk. “Let’s get to work.”
“A cop? Oh, I’ll cop something, but we also got to get to work. The sooner we win, the sooner we get a groupie and the sooner we get Atma on her way to grinding rep.”
Miri stood against the wall, hrming a bit until a bulb went on above her head. “I got the technology enough to at least fake being your guys’ camerman. After all, anything you do out there might make a good shot for a future music video. And it’ll make these Hotter Than Hekk guys, well, hot under the collar. They’ll be a lot more self-conscious for sure and more likely to flub this.”
“That settles it, then. Where does one go around Adoch to turn a lovely lady hero like me into a teen heartthrob?” I asked.
“They don’t do armories in Melodia; everything is costuming. The costume and prop stores aren’t too far from here. And good point on the music video, those are used in guild, or band, recruiting heavily around here.” added Gus.
“Then we waste no time. Let’s go pick our outfits and start thinking of a poppy ballad that’ll get wedged in your ears for days and a name that the ladies, and probably a few of the guys, will be screaming the name of until their throats bleed.”
I picked up my instruments and put my biwa on my back, pipes in hand, and began to play as we marched out the door as a merry band of elves down the road and around Adoch, finding them as natural for me to play beautifully so as I did the biwa. I’m Scottish as hell, and of course by genetics find a well played set of pipes to be incredibly moving to listen to, and will cry every time they’re used at a funeral. But this? This was a jaunty tune. This was almost a drunken revelry, and I began to stomp and march as pipers did and encouraged my new friends to dance however they saw fit, noticing as we moved through that all eyes in the city were now on us. Some stared in awe, some danced with us a distance, some clapped, some merely whispered things like ‘It’s the hero herself...’ and ‘Melodia be blessed’, but all smiled.
So this is what it’s like to be a hero. A hero is when kids tug on their mother’s aprons and point excitedly at you going ‘Look, mom, it’s the hero! Listen!’ and ‘That’s the sound of freedom.’ A hero leads and people follow. You see grown men cry at the idea of being liberated. You see guards salute just because you walked by. The sky is blue and a rainbow appears. And of course, someone has to be completely plastered and falling on their ass dancing said ass off to your tune. Somehow, the man didn’t spill his ale. I almost wanted to recruit him. That takes real talent. However, I wasn’t quite sure how your job class be “Hold My Beer” would help us, so I let him be.
We got to the costuming store and entered and, well, I can definitely see why these people start you off in Adoch. A castle town/concert hall’s got some pretty serious costuming going on. And to top it off, not a single item had a weird gender lock on it anywhere, unlike most games. The place itself was made of incredibly polished wood and a rather large woman in every sense of the word sat at the main desk in the back middle of the place, fanning herself, in an incredible wig and makeup larger than she was. Colors and materials of all kinds spun off the clothes in every direction. Stuff that looked even more antiquated than the garb I had on was on one end with things that wouldn’t look out of place in modern times back home went to another with everything in between. Any accessory or piece of jewelry you could name was also lining the walls and stands.
It was a place of utter fashionable majesty. I walked to the lady and spoke to her. “Ma’am, good day, my name’s Atma and this is my merry band. We’re here because---”
“Oh, the hero herself is gracing me, little ol’ Jaclyn Rose, with her presence? I can nary believe it! Oh, my stars and garters!” She almost swooned right there. Her voice was deep and smoky. Everything about her was seeped in a flair for the dramatic. I wondered just how long she’d been acting; when you act like that and run a place as extensive and full as this all dedicated to the act of putting on an act, there’s only one place you can come from and that’s the theatre itself.
“Er, well, yes. A rival band over in Taiyr has challenged us to a battle of the bands, and well, keep this on the down low, but I need to disguise myself as a man and lead my two guy pals here as a trio against them.” I put an arm around each of Shawn and Gus’ shoulders and pulled them in, posing seriously with them as if to legitimize our cause to her. “I mean, look at us, with the right outfit, we could be collecting the hearts of all the teen girls and probably some creepy middle aged moms and, gods willing, the gay male population within the first verse, right?”
“Oh ho ho, what a cause, what a cause! You’re the real deal, honey. It was said that the Wardancer could change genres at will and pull off most any outfit needed. So you and your bald friend here, I can definitely expect you to nail it. The scruffy one though to your right? He’s gonna need some work. However, if you give me a minute, I think we can put together something magnificent.” The owner fluttered her eyelashes at us and pulled some paper and a feather pen from behind the register. “You’re just lucky I’m also a designer.”
“S-Scruffy? Come on, I’ll have you know back home, the ladies love this, as does Val Kilmer. I even have a girlfriend!” Shawn protested.
“Sure you do, honey. Tell me, you guys got a name yet? Perhaps I can come up with something fitting your bodies a bit better if you give me your name.”
“W-We’re uh….Gus, help me out here!”
“Um...Well you see, we hadn’t thought about that yet. Why don’t we let our intrepid hero here name us? After all it’s she, well, he for the next day or two, leading us into this and hopefully to victory.” Gus panicked a bit, tossing the ball to me instead of back to Shawn. Of course. Make me do all the hard work you two.
If they were going to be like this then I was going to give our trio the most ridiculous name possible.
“Sex Cavalry.” It was the first two words that popped in my head. I even added my biggest, most wide, most shit-eating grin possible. They were stuck now. “That’s what my partners here get for shirking responsibility. It’s at least better than Hotter Than Hekk.”
“A bold choice. I’ll be glad to put the Jaclyn Rose name on this.” The owner laughed. “I think I got it. Why don’t you two help your lady friends with their costumes while I sketch this up? It shouldn’t take but a minute.”
I thanked her profusely and walked to where Katsuragi and Miri stood cracking up.
“SEX CAVALRY?” Shawn shouted. “Good god, woman. This is giving me some seriously uncomfortable imagery. That sounds more like a band that Red Sonja over here would create. And then probably sleep with.”
“Hey! I resemble that remark.” Kat burst out laughing again. “Oh man. I can’t wait to see what she comes up with. In the meantime, you owe me a pantsuit like your girlfriend. Show me that photo again.”
“Why, so you can size her up? I don’t think so, Red Sonja.”
“Well, uh, in this case don’t we kind of have to guess and make adjustments to the, ah, chest area?”
“...I hadn’t thought of that.”
“I thought you were psychic or something?”
“The spirits haven’t eaten yet and they need calories to work, remember? Give it til after lunch. We’ll go hit Taco Tuesday after this fitting for….Sex Cavalry. I still can’t believe that.”
“Oh, you better believe it.” Gus grinned for the first time I think since I met him.
“Oh please don’t tell me you actually like that name?”
“Hey, a brother’s gotta take what he’s gotta take and make it work for his brand, doesn’t he?”
“Dude’s got a point.” I said pointedly. “Let’s go make Miri into a reliable reporter and camerawoman, Gus. We can leave the Wonderful Pantsuit Duo to their duty over here.”
“You got it, hero.”
With that, we walked off and began to size up Miri for what would be a vest with cargo shorts and a long sleeved shirt, all with so so many pockets, and a backwards cap. Gloves and boots were a must for this kind of outfit, as well as her own pair of reflected sunglasses. She had to look a little bit AV and a little bit campy or this just wasn’t going to pan out for us. We even taped a little bandage across her nose. She could keep the dirt/oil look; it made her look like she actually works. We handed her a prop camera and had her pose in the mirror a bit. The only change she made was she scrunched her socks down.
“Not bad. I could pass for a local area news station’s tech crew at this point, but only if I said I just got out of college.” Miri gave a thumbs up and put the coin enough for the whole ensemble, fake camera and all, on the counter. “Thanks, Ma’am.”
Gus, Miri, and I then went to check on Katsuragi and Shawn, whom claimed that ‘Red Sonja’ had insisted, of course, on picking some trashy bra that she could unbutton the top of her blouse under her pantsuit enough to show off, because otherwise she claimed it was cutting off her oxygen. When she came out of the dressing room, she was in the familiar whites and blues I usually saw her wear, a pair of just slightly oversized aviator shades on, adjusting them sharply with her left hand as she tossed around a prop portfolio in her right.
“I WANT ANSWERS! STOP STARING AT MY BOYS; THEY WORK HARD AND DESERVE SOME PRIVACY! TAKE A PICTURE, IT’LL LAST LONGER!” Kat shouted, getting in character. “How am I doing?”
“You...” Shawn tried to find the right words.
“She sounds like the chief, Shawn.” Gus found the words first.
“THAT’S who she reminds me of! Only about twenty years younger. And a lesbian. Actually, how’s that going to work being a boy band manager?”
“Oh, that’s easy.” Kat dismissed their concerns with ease. “We’ll say I’m sleeping with the camerawoman. That and this way your fangirls will know for sure you all are safe and not having an affair with management.”
“Please, only if I’m on top.” Miri didn’t even look at her, fiddling with her fake camera’s lens.
Katsuragi paid for her outfit and props as well, sitting back and kicking up her feet, revealing she had bought a pair of heels in the same color scheme as her famous greaves. With that, she opened her prop portfolio and revealed it to be filled with nothing but classy looking centerfolds, much like those you’d find in the windows of fighter planes back in the war. “Heh, these were already in there. That’s why I picked this folder. We can just say they’re for another band I’m managing after this concert’s done.”
“Of course...” Honestly, I expected worse to be in there.
“Oh, honey! Your designs are ready!” Jaclyn called us three ‘guys’ up and wasted no time in displaying what we’d have on in two days’ time.
None of us could believe what we saw.
“The Three Musketeers?!” All three of us said at the same time, appropriately enough.
“It made sense to me, honey. Boy bands want to be cute and dashing and well, it sort of fits the name. All your hero is going to need is a chest binder and to brush her hair from the side instead of down the middle and y’all think her a young enough guy.” Jaclyn fanned herself. “I got the parts for the outfits now if you want. I don’t think you got much choice anyways with such short notice.”
“...We’ll take it.” I plunked down the money, with plentiful tip I earned singing that stupid commercial jingle.
Jaclyn fanned herself and pretended to swoon again, going into the back and pulling out the costume parts, including what I’d need to make myself at least androgynous enough to pass. The three of us sighed and each entered a dressing room since if Katsuragi and Miri were willing enough to embarrass themselves in their new outfits, we owed it to them for helping us out.
“On the count of three, we show them...”
And with that, we left the dressing rooms and out came, well three very, very ashamed musketeers, prop rapiers and large plumed caps and all. I thought my regular outfit was bad.
“Okay, get it out, do I look like a guy enough?” I asked.
“Well, I currently don’t want to have sex with you anymore, so I guess it works.” Kat dismissed, arms crossed, looking kind of sad.
“Works for me. Now let’s get changed, take these back, grab some lunch, and get working on a song that fits our theme.”
Shawn and Gus couldn’t agree more and we packed our costumes and got on the road, dropping everything off at the office before heading over to yet another Taco Tuesday. The rest of that day was spent on writing the lyrics to our song with much colorful commentary and derisive laughter coming from the other girls, and then the next day was rehearsal. Shawn wanted to be the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks, but so did I, and we fought so hard that Katsuragi intervened as manager and deemed it to be Gus, since you never suspect the ‘nice’ ones. She then made Shawn be the nerdy one and me the jock. Because.
Finally, the day of the big duel was here, and after breakfast and making sure we were packed, we began the walk to Taiyr, and if we kept good pace, we’d be there near sundown. At night, when the pyrotechnics could be seen best, we’d fight. Just outside concert hall limits is where we stopped and took turns hiding behind a tree to get changed into our costumes, making extra sure mine was right, lest the ruse fall and we be given away as being lead by a woman, albeit a charming one.
A guard at the entrance lead us to the backstage staging area where we were met face to face for the first time with Hotter Than Hekk. A group of four young guys dressed as fire mages in robes not conducive to combat, but definitely to making teen girls’ dreams come true. They took one look at us and cracked up.
“Oh, so the hero could only muster up two guys for his group? That’s sad. But that’s Adoch men for you. You ready to get your butts kicked? And did you bring the groupie?” Their lead singer mocked.
I tapped into my skills as the Wardancer and was able to alter my speaking and singing voices just enough to make them unable to detect my true gender and proceeded to lie out of my ass. “Uh, yeah dude, she’s in the audience though. We’re not showing the goods ahead of time, in case you lose and try to take her anyways. That ain’t how the hero operates; I never let a girl risk danger if I can help it.”
“Oh, what a goody goody you are, huh, hero?” They all laughed. “So what’s your name, anyways? And do you really think three can beat four? You’re one man short.”
“We’re Sex Cavalry, and this is our camerawoman and manager. I wouldn’t mess with either of them neither, if I were you.” I confidently said.
“Why? They your girlfriends or something?”
“No, but they’re girlfriends, and if you got a problem with that, well, then prove it on stage, if you’re even half the men you’re claiming to be right now. Or are you going to need four more of you half-men to bring you up to the group you’re claiming to be now?”
“Oh, she’s--” Shawn began when Gus elbowed him in the ribs quickly.
“---He. He’s good.”
“Alright, you little asshole, you’re going down!”
Hotter Than Hekk went first. They played their smash hit, You Ignite My Life, off their debut album, The Floor In My Bedroom Is Lava, and, well, not being a heterosexual teenage girl, I can’t tell you if it was good or interesting, but it most definitely was a song sung by people in a band. I guess. The crowd definitely loved it, though. But I’m the motherfucking Wardancer and I was about to prove that even in a genre my gender shouldn’t be singing in, I was going to shine hotter than they themed their whole act around.
But then that meant it was our turn. Katsuragi shoved the announcer out of the way, wanting a chance to introduce her group and ham it up and excite them, placing Miri to the side to “film” this as she pulled her sunglasses down just a couple inches, giving a wide, toothy grin and twirling the mic around a bit.
“Woo! Good evening, Taiyr, and all you lovely ladies and a few gents out there, you ready for the freshest, suavest, coolest, most chivalrous act this side of the concert hall? I guarantee you you ain’t seen nothing like these boys; because unlike the boys you just saw perform, these ones are men. We’ve raised them to set the bar higher. I’m their manager and producer and all around the maker of their demands, the name’s Kat and hey if any of you ladies out there would prefer me instead, please see me after the show, we have much to discuss, and as the maker of their demands, I demand you put your hands together…..”
Kat stomped, signaling Miri to click her shutter, which activated a sudden rain of pyrotechnics behind her and confetti from the sky. The two had rigged the stage to do this using Miri’s knowledge and the contraband she smuggled in her fake camera as to create maximum hype.
“...FOR SEX CAVALRY!”
The two girls ducked out of the way as three spotlights appeared on stage. The three of us ‘men’ spoke not a word, knowing nothing could save us now but putting on the show that would define our careers as heartthrobs. As soon as the smoke from the fireworks subsided, we were there, doing the classic pose with our swords up in the air, crossed. And at once we spoke the famous words.
“All for one, and one for all!” With swords now freely in one hand, we picked up our mics in the other, and began doing our thing.
Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only time you will ever hear me, Atma Weapon, sing a boy band ballad. This was our one and only hit single: Chivalry Isn’t Dead
“Legends always tell me a damsel in need
Is a damsel indeed
But I’d rather a damsel shining and true
Oh baby, you’re the one, that damsel is you
So long as we’re around, chivalry will never die
Because a damsel like you deserves a special guy
One that will protect you from whatever knave does dare
Oh baby, you’re the one, no other can compare
With sword in our hands and our rapier wits
In our heart of hearts, we know that you are it
Deserving of a man as shining and true
Oh baby, you’re the one, I’ll be the brave for you
So long as we’re around, chivalry will never die
Because a damsel like you deserves a special guy
One that will protect you from whatever knave does dare
Oh baby, you’re the one, no other can compare
Through poem and through song we offer up our hearts
In thy name in battle is why we do take part
What other men you know would do it all for thee?
Oh baby, you’re the one, the only one for me
So long as we’re around, chivalry will never die
Because a damsel like you deserves a special guy
One that will protect you from whatever knave does dare
Oh baby, you’re the one, no other can compare
Our hearts belonged to you the second that we met
Our love for you every day does stronger grow yet
Once upon a time begins for us hereafter
Oh baby, you’re the one, my happily ever after
So long as we’re around, chivalry will never die
Because a damsel like you deserves a special guy
One that will protect you from whatever knave does dare
Oh baby, you’re the one, no other can compare
So long as we’re around….
Then chivalry…
Will never…
Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
Mic. Drop.
With that drop, Miri clicked her camera again and let loose her second round of explosives and confetti, the three of us guys on stage posing and catching our breath in huge sweeping heaves. As long as I live, I pray, never make me sing that again.
But it paid off, and it paid off big time. Not only did we get the standing ovation the other guys did, but girls tried to swarm the stage and take us away. Hotter Than Hekk, the poor bastards, utterly defeated, began to try to run away. That’s when we knew to have Miri throw the camera into the crowd, creating a huge waft of smoke, so we could make it backstage and after those chumps. The proper concert hall announcer could be heard in the distance clearly declaring us the winner and let it be put on record officially, with a mark that Hotter Than Hekk tried to run afterwards.
We caught up with them, and in the ensuing chaos, I had lost my hat, my hair was windswept back to its normal look, and I had forgot to keep my magic running that kept my voice changed. We blocked them off at the pass and I tried to go back to being the cocky bastard I was before the show.
Only now, I sounded more like a cocky bitch.
“So, sore losers, huh? Don’t you owe us that groupie? Where is she, hmm?” It took a few seconds but everyone looked at me until I realized.
Oops.
“What? WHAT? The lead singer of Sex Cavalry’s a woman? This so called hero’s a woman? So what’s this make you for sneaking in and singing about love to a bunch of teen girls, some kind of lesbo creep?” The lead singer looked like he wanted to shit a brick.
“Yes, yes. And especially yes. Does it matter? It’s on record we won and that you tried to run after. You’re through in Taiyr. Now keep your end of the bargain, or am I going to have to get my manager?”
“The fuck’s a manager going to do?” Before he could go further, a roundhouse kick flew right into and across the singer’s jaw, knocking a few of his teeth out. Kat stood in a basic kung fu stance, glasses and pantsuit still on, grinning.
“THAT’S what a manager’s gonna do. Now, hand over the groupie before the rest of you get an attitude adjustment. And by that I mean I break your face.” Kat laughed as we got our first display of her combat powers.
“It’s just one dyke, get her, boys!” The lead singer commanded as the other three came at her at once, from different directions.
Kat just snapped back down into position and pointed her left finger forward defiantly. “Fine, come all at once! Come head on! I’ll destroy every last one of yous!”
She then propped herself up on her hands and began to breakdance and twirl right there, summoning an all too familiar green tornado to me and sending all three of them flying and crashing hard on their backs, utterly defeated. In one effortless push, Kat jumped back up in a backflip, and onto her feet.
“All in heels...Dude, when we get back home, you’ve got to come visit and teach Jules how to do that.” Shawn at least had his priorities right.
“Okay, maybe I was wrong. Blondie can stay, even if she dresses like one of your old tabletop characters.” Gus added.
“I’ll consider it.” Kat grinned. “Glad you hired me now though, huh? Told you you needed a fighter.”
Miri said nothing and proceeded to loot the singers, pocketing a healthy amount of coin, adding to what we’d get when we returned on stage for our victory speech. I’m just so glad now that my girl had taught her how to do that and know how to help keep us alive. Or at least pay our taco tab.
“S-she’ll be in the front row, seat 2B!” The lead singer pissed himself in fright at having been bested on stage and in combat, passing out immediately after.
We returned triumphantly and gave a hell of a speech. None of the girls in the audience even minded that I was a woman after all. Hell, some of them seem even more excited after learning that. We got our gold and our reputation all went up, and it was entered in record that Taiyr was now Wardancer territory. We gave one last bow and went to find this groupie to take back.
What we found appeared to be a girl nose deep in a book.
“Yo, you the Hotter Than Hekk groupie we’re taking home? Hi, we’re Sex Cavalry, but only for the rest of the night. May as well retire this act with a perfect record, right boys?” I laughed.
“Huh? Oh. Yeah. I wasn’t listening. So you won, huh?” The girl replied.
“You read through all this noise? I’m impressed. What’s your name and job class? I’m Atma, the legendary hero, the Wardancer.”
“Syl. Lazy Librarian. Nice to meet you.”
I stopped in my tracks. Hey, I knew her. She’s fiancee to one of my good friends. So she’s here too. I had to wonder if my other friend was. I wonder if any of my other friends were at all. You never know, after all, Koshka sent Miri as an envoy. Anything here’s possible, it seems.
“Well, Syl, it’s been a long day, what’s say we crash here in town for the night and we’ll take you back home to our guild in Adoch in the morning? Adoch’s got Taco Tuesday every day.”
We all laughed and grabbed our bags, giving one last bow to the audience and making our way to wherever the nearest tavern was for food, food, food, and sleep. We figured when we got back to Adoch we’d change out of these getups and retire Sex Cavalry.
But for tonight, at least, chivalry wasn’t dead.