Wardancer 5 pt2 - NNWM 2k17

[atma]

Wordcount: 30706/50000

The night was long and roughshod, to say the least. If it weren’t for the fact this was, in most likelyhood, some kind of twisted game, I’d be a hospital case and they’d be grilling me about who hurt me and where. Like, it’s all consenting, babe, it’s cool. Besides, we have a Pharmacist on our team, you think I’m gonna let him slide by without doing any work? Yeah sure, he helped us sing and all, but the fact none of us but me have really utilized our job classes says something about this game’s structure. I’m starting to think this whole trip was just fuel for my ego. As if that was needed.

I got back to the tavern in time to see everyone ordering breakfast, my outfit a mess and my hair in tangles, body covered in marks best left unquestioned who gave it to me. I hadn’t had a wink of sleep and I had no idea you could feel this exhausted in a game. I took the pot of coffee out of the waitress’ hands and just started pouring it down my throat.

“Long night?” Aryana asked, legitimately concerned.

“If only you knew.” I sighed, flopping over on the table, letting out a massive yawn.

“I want to know. Tell me.” Kat said rather enthusiastically.

“I’ll bet you do. Why don’t you go write me a fanfic about what you think happened and I’ll verify your headcanons later.”

“Well, if you say so.” Kat pulled out some paper and a feather pen and began scrawling a Dear Ye Old Penthouse letter right there, looking deep in thought as she chose her adjectives carefully and her verbs even more so.

“I was joking, Kat.”

“Well, it’ll at least keep her busy for a while. Nothing’s going on here yet, so why don’t you go on ahead and get a couple hours of sleep in, sis?” Nobu asked, her eyes locked on Kat to make sure she stayed distracted. “We’ll keep Lil Miss Grabs-a-lot here occupied for you.”

“Thanks, sis. I trust you all were good to my sister while I was, ahem, preoccupied?”

“She only threatened to conscript us a few dozen times and grill us on the best hard rock, classic rock, and metal bands of all time. She’s lucky we remember the 90s. And some of the 80s.” Shawn responded.

“We had no idea that a historical general was not only alive, not only a woman, not only your sister somehow, but also a fan of Queen.” Gus added. “I’m not even going to ask how that’s possible at this rate.”

“I used this magic little thing called the internet, Baldy.” Nobu snuffed at Gus. “Maybe if you and your perfectly coiffed boyfriend here used it to edify yourselves instead of setting up dates, you’d have done better on my quiz.”

“At least she respects the hair.” said Shawn. “Gonna give her her points where they’re due.”

“You damn right you are.”

Their bickering became background noise as I found an unused bed in the inn upstairs and proceeded to pass the fuck out. I can only assume they managed to restrain Kat because my shirt was still on when I woke up. Though I woke up earlier than I liked to have, as the walls were thumping to the bass and I heard indistinct screeching coming from downstairs. Knowing my luck, some damn band was around and heard I was in town and wanted a piece of this action. Not that I could blame them.

“The hell’s that noise?” I yawned, slowly coming back around to the realm of the living now that it was mid-afternoon.

“Surprised it didn’t wake you sooner.” Nobu looked annoyed, hand slumped against her fist as she groaned. “At the very least, the few times they’ve had to put Kat through the wall should have roused you.”

“Kat what? Did she finish her fanfi---” I looked at the performance stage that was built into the dining and drinking area. I rubbed my eyes and a band of women that looked oddly familiar to me came into view. They were dressed much like the warlord was, only in much smaller stature, but by no means any less strong or imposing. Probably more so, in some ways, given the way they played their instruments.

That’s when I recognized the lead singer and guitarist. That’s Branwen Priddy, lead singer of the lesbian viking metal band Sexwarrior.

This wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact they should be entirely fictional because I created them. They were even playing one of the songs I came up for them, Valkyries Being Palkyries. And yet here they were, clear as day, sounding better than I ever imagined they would. I wonder if she knows that I know that I created her, or if she was just going to see me as a threat.

The fact that they paused the set upon seeing me show up and dared challenge me by throwing an axe right by my face and into the wall told me they’d no idea that back home, they were just a construct of my imagination.

“YOU! We’ve been waiting for you here! We knew you’d not be able to resist the siren song of a tow full of barely clothed warrior women waiting to throw themselves at you! Those groupies are rightfully ours; we were here first, we were born and raised here and our band started here. If you’re going to edge in on our turf and our women, then fight us, or is the Wardancer all talk and no tune?” Branwen shouted into her mic, pointing at me the whole time.

“Uh, I kind of already slept with the local warlord and received her blessings, so, um, a bit too late there, girls.” was all I could eke out as a response.

“THAT’S THE POINT! Even we’ve not received that favor! All you did was prance about and sing some bawdy tune that sounds like you didn’t even write! We’ve heard all your other crap, but you’re light years away from matching the sheer raw force of Sexwarrior! Isn’t that right, girls?”

“Okay okay, calm down, women. I’ll accept your challenge. You have until tomorrow evening to prepare to challenge us at the Torsorhaven Concert Hall. Winner gets the harem.” Not like I had any choice in the matter being the legendary hero. Fuck, this work’s exhausting. This better be worth the payoff in the end.

“Yeah, yeah. Take your time putting together your little band and write a song like you always do last minute. No matter what you come up with, you’re going down, and not in the way you’d like to interpret that!” With that, Branwen commanded her girls to finish up and pack their gear so they could go practice, leaving us all to parse just what the hell happened.

I chose to remain quiet on the fact that these were all figments of my imagination back home. I don’t think they’d believe me if I told them, not after someone like Nobunaga appears claiming to be my beloved older sister. That’s more than enough culture shock for one day.

“Harem? Did she say harem? You know, back home, they call me the Queen of the--” Kat started before being sharply interrupted.

“Oh can it, Lil Miss Grabs-a-lot.” Nobu snapped. “So, what’re we doing?”

“How’d you know I was going to ask?” I, well, asked.

“Because, like I said, I’ve been tracking you. You recruit someone, have them sing with you next fight to prove themselves worthy, or close enough to recruitment, and add them to your merry band here. I’m not above showing off.” Nobu picked up her massive guitar and swung it behind her head and hefted it on her shoulders. “After all, here, I get to be Nobunaga the Rock N Roller! It’d be a shame if this talent went to waste! Let’s burn Torsorhaven to the ground with our combined fiery passion, sis!”

“Alright, you and the elf are hired to help me out here. But I’m also throwing in Miri. Hey, Miri, tell my girl that we’re using you by proxy to teach her rhythm. And pick someone to substitute your pyrotechnics job this round, you’re focusing all on explosive sound this round.”

“I already know; I pick the Dragon Spooker. Something just tells me I can trust a sorceress that could set Kat on fire if we wanted as our main girl.” Miri grinned smugly. “Speaking of, I got an idea for Kat if she’d like to redeem herself.”

“What? I get to be in the band? Shit, I was hoping we wouldn’t have to fight them and I could get their autograph on my tits.” Kat sighed.

“You would. Now, if you’d like for that to happen, why don’t you parade on stage on a leash in furs and act as the Wardancer’s favorite bitch?”

“What?? Me, sub, to any woman? That’s not very queenly of me and--”

“Hey, that’s a good idea! You’re going to do it and you’ll love it!” Nobu cackled. “Now then, costumes. I already have some ideas for this show so listen up.”

We around the good general did a perimeter create and listened to her ideas, all of us in the band directly contributing to costume design revisions and lyric changes and retrieving coffee and eventually joining in together to visit the local branch of Jaclyn’s store. It was good to see her again, even if it’s obvious to me by now every Jaclyn is it’s own Rose. We picked up our costumes and headed back to the tavern wearing them, impressing everyone else.

It soon came time for us to pass out happily at the table, the rest of our band covering us in blankets and showing true camaraderie by passing out in chairs around us instead of using up all the nice beds.

Dawn came and we finalized our gameplan and lyrics, using the rest of the day to eat, rest, and instill confidence in ourselves. After all, all the ladies would be watching, and by my hero’s luck, maybe I could get everyone in my party laid somehow. The ultimate wingman. A hero should be able to do that no problem, right? Why should I be the only one getting any?

The seconds seemed to lurch on as our usual meetup time for our duels of sunset finally approached, making us all pack up our shit and head down to the Concert Hall. Being the gentlewomen that we were, we let Sexwarrior, in all their overconfidence, go first like always as we set up beside them. They played one of their hit singles off their debut album “Oppressed By Breasts” known as “Axewound.” That’s subtle. Then again I have only myself to blame.

Now was our time to shine. Of course, the crowd went wild. This was their hometown, and they already had quite the dedicated following. I could only hope my legendary hero powers would be enough to bring this one out.

Especially since my starting specialty in knowledge was Heavy Metal.

Lina shined the spotlights on us once the applause for Sexwarrior died down. There we stood, Nobunaga on bass guitar and one of our two lead singers, Miri on the drums, Aryana on the flute of all things, and me, Atma the Wardancer, the other lead singer and dual wielding an electric guitar and my bagpipes for this one. We were all clad in chainmail bikinis, samurai helmets, and covered in all sorts of warpaint, a mitsudomoe on each of our right shoulders. We wore belts with the symbol of my Scottish clan, Graham, in the middle while our helmets adorned a rising sun and the Oda clan emblem in the middle. Katsuragi, much to her chagrin, sat chained to my microphone in an embarrassing fur barbarian getup, trying her best not to look too resigned to her fate as mere decoration this time.

Lights shined behind us in a rising sun pattern over rows of green. Miri obviously prepped Lina for the job well. Nobunaga and I each took a microphone, taking turns announcing this hot mess.

“Greetings, Torsorhaven, I am Atma the Wardancer...”

“...and I am her sister, the Demon King herself, Oda Nobunaga the Rock N Roller!”

“We’re here today to take on local legends Sexwarrior to see which of our harems truly reigns supreme.”

“So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll start signing your names over to us as our property at your soonest convenience! Presenting the latest incarnation of the uncontested champions….

“We are...”

And at the same time, we shouted out our name proudly. “Nobunatma’s Ambition!”

This time around, it was all metal, all heavy, all the time. If Sexwarrior was lesbian viking metal, we’d just have to kick it up a few notches and become Scottish-Japanese Lesbian Viking Folk Metal. And we present to you, to make your eardrums bleed, a song that goes to eleven: Nobunatma’s Ambition’s hit single “Underneath Every Scottish Woman’s Kilt Is Another Scottish Woman.” And this is how that one goes down, much like your sister:

“In Gaelic lands my clan called home
But under a rising sun a swordswoman I roam
From west to east and east to west
In everything I do I am the best

But most of all my claim to fame
Is that every woman you know has screamed my name
They know me first as an errant in the streets
But by eve they see a ronin between their sheets

You think being a brave is all about getting paid
But for me, my lass, it’s just about getting laid
Your mom, your sister, your aunt, your wife
I’ve laid them all, all through the night

What do you think lays under my kilt, my lady fair?
If I’m lucky tonight, it’ll be your face shoved up in my hairs
Nothing compares to the stamina of an Eastern trained Gael
You’ll want no other after your poor scabbard with blade I impale

For ‘neath a Scottish woman’s kilt is another Scottish lady
I’ll be coming to your place tonight so you best get ready
For ‘neath a Scottish woman’s kilt is another Scottish lass
If you know what’s good for you, you’ll lend me your ass

For ‘neath a Scottish woman’s kilt is another Scottish woman

Armies I’ve flayed and dragons I’ve slayed
But nothing compares to the thrill of getting laid
You prefer the company of men, or so you claim
But by morning’s dawn you’ll have screamed my name

You think being a brave is all about getting paid
But for me, my lass, it’s just about getting laid
Your mom, your sister, your aunt, your wife
I’ve laid them all, all through the night

And your next in my eternal line
To all the women in this world, I will make you mine
So ready or not, don’t try to hide, because here I come
You’ll have too, many times, before I am done

I do it every way, from vanilla and tame
If you like, though, I’ve got whips and chains
Golden showers, roleplay, and costuming too
Whatever you want, I’ll gladly do it to you

For ‘neath a Scottish woman’s kilt is another Scottish lady
I’ll be coming to your place tonight so you best get ready
For ‘neath a Scottish woman’s kilt is another Scottish lass
If you know what’s good for you, you’ll lend me your ass

For ‘neath a Scottish woman’s kilt is another Scottish woman

[Bagpipe instrumental feat. the band]

You think being a brave is all about getting paid
But for me, my lass, it’s just about getting laid
Your mom, your sister, your aunt, your wife
I’ve laid them all, all through the night

I’m both knighted true and a samurai
And for that mighty brave I’ll make you cry
Cry out my name into the stars and into endless night
All women bow before my eternal might

So now you know that my claim to fame
Is that every woman you know has screamed my name
They know me first as an errant in the streets
But by eve they see a ronin between their sheets

I’ll see you all between my legs real soon
We can go back to my place or back to your room
Either way this pact is now sealed and done
Because forget your man, I’m your new number one

For ‘neath a Scottish woman’s kilt is another Scottish woman

For ‘neath a Scottish woman’s kilt is another Scottish womaaaaaaaaaaaan!”

With that, Nobunaga and I shredded a bit and headbutt as our song ended, putting up the metal horns with our free hands and looking damn proud of ourselves. If two shameless samurai sisters couldn’t pull a song like this off, nobody could. Not even Sexwarrior. A few final explosions went off behind us as the crowd tore into applause like no other. Sexwarrior had been bested on their own turf, and it was all thanks to my knowledge of the genre and my inability to keep it in my pants.

The Conert Hall had no choice but to declare us the uncontested winners. We grouped together and hugged, giving each other massive high fives and fistbumps. We sounded absolutely incredible. There was no doubt in my mind that I and every single one of us whom follow the Wardancer like some kind of warped lesbian pied piper was getting insanely laid today. If they wanted, of course. Either way, food and drinks were on me, since my tab was already cleared. I even unchained Katsuragi, who was as good of a girl as you could get during a performance like that, acting as pure decoration, freeing her to the throngs of fangirls we now had.

Needless to say, none of us got any rest that night. I’ll tell you the details about it some other time.

I fell asleep, satisfied and cackling to myself. Now who’s the real Queen of the Hooters Harem?